I'm not sure what SIXTY is supposed to feel like, but, if this is what it is supposed to be.. .it sucks.

I feel old.

I know I need to lose 50, 60, 80 pounds... and I'm sure I would feel much better. Maybe I wouldn't hurt so bad all the time. But, that feels like a lost cause to me.

I do pretty good for the first few hours of the days, well, up until about noon.. then I am pretty much just DONE.

I force myself to do the things that have to be done.

But, all I really want to do is sit and do nothing or sleep.. blessed sleep.

The older I get the more I understand my Mother. I know why she sat in a dark quiet house doing nothing, sleeping every chance she got.... but, I really don't want my brain to atrophy like hers did. So, I push.

I watched out the window yesterday while Levi and Christi cut wood. I hated myself for not being down there with them, but, I just couldn't do any more. I have been going in the mornings and picking up the cut wood, bringing it to the house, and stacking it...a little at a time. It's all I can do and more. I feel like I'm letting Levi down because we have always cut wood together... it just SUCKS. .. mentally and physically.

It feels like the shadow of things to come...  I would rather be dead than to have to live through what lies ahead.