It was about 8:30, right before dark, but, still light enough to see any critters I didn't want to put my hand on and I had been picking tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, and a few okra from my lovely little garden. I stopped to move the rain bird so I could turn it on in the morning. I started across the bridge headed back to the house, slowly, stopping to pet Rufus who was butting against my leg wanting attention. I looked across my back yard towards the pool and as always am just amazed at the beauty of the place where I live. We don't have majestic mountains or bubbling streams, we don't have oceans, but to me it is beautiful. The pecan grove stands majestic, 50 - 75' tall trees line each side of the grove with a little dip in the middle which creates the nicest breeze on the whole place. The grass recently mowed looks like a golf course that stretches out into fields of native tall grasses.

It makes my heart sing.

All of a sudden an overwhelming sadness came over me.

The thought that in not too many years I won't be here anymore to take care of this place. I wondered if Seth will? Levi is pretty career driven and I doubt that he will be here much longer.

I wondered if my Mom had the same thoughts in those years after Daddy died and before we came to live here? and the relief she must have felt when she saw how much I love the place.

I guess what brought this on is the upcoming birthday. I will be 55 years old this year. Honey, that's old. I am eligible for Senior Citizens discounts now.. geez.

Getting old is so freaking weird. You don't get old in your mind, but your body betrays you. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just can't believe it is me. You are not sure how you are supposed to act when you are old. I don't want to be a silly old woman trying to act like a teen but I don't' want to be an old lady either.

I used to think I would be okay with dying once my kids were all grown and settled in their lives. But, I want to watch Zoe grow up. And there is always Emily... who could possibly love her like I do? Who would ever have the patience to take care of her?

It's a hard blow when your own mortality smacks you in the face.