This morning at about 3:30 as I sat listening to the storm raging outside, thunder continuously rumbling, lightning strikes that would make me jump out of my skin every time, one huge one that seemingly sucked the electricity out of the house and left us in total darkness. I got up, lit candles, found a lantern for Em's room. I opened a window to let in some air since the AC was off and lay down by her to keep her calm enough to go back to sleep.
I looked out the window into the back yard, when the lightning would pop I could see water completely covering the back yard, my garden, down onto the lease road and about half the dog pen. I wondered if I should consider waking Em up and moving to higher ground.
When Emily relaxed I moved to the sofa, I lay there listening and offered up a little prayer - I guess to the ceiling because that's probably as far as it went.
As is normal for me, those hours of not being able to sleep when everyone else is are spent pondering whatever issue is currently on my mind and last night it was God.
I realized that the big difference between what I used to believe and what I believe now is pretty simple. I do still believe in God. I do still love God. I just don't believe anymore that God owes me any special favors.
The belief system I was in lead me to believe that if I acted a certain way, prayed a certain way, and, of course, was faithful to my "church", obedient to my pastor, and a cheerful giver of my money and my time... then God was bound to owe me special (blessings) favors. I actually bought into that, believing it with all my heart while shit just kept happening in my life... like giving birth to a child with Down Syndrome and then watching her become a cripple, like my sister dying of cancer at age 50.. you know shit like that, that just happens. life.
As I lay there last night almost wishing I still believed those things so that I could ask God to protect us from the storm and expect to receive special favor I realized that it just wasn't going to happen like that. Either the storm would pass over and we would be safe or it wouldn't. God wasn't granting me anything more than he/she gave the young Mother in Gainsville TX that watched her 4 year old baby girl being swept out of her arms and drowning. I was just as likely to die in a storm as she was.
It doesn't make God any smaller in my eyes, it just reminds me to be very careful about what I embrace as truth.
8 comments:
Stay safe, friend. I have thoughts about what you said (I agree), but can't formulate it into words right now. But...yeah.
We place so much weight on this life. We make it so heavy that we have to believe that something/one will save us. If we could only trust that the picture is so much bigger than we know we would be able to loosen our grip on the here and now just a little. I have to admit I'm not able to yet. God doesn't owe us any favors because he knows that this life only lasts a moment.
Sometimes it really sucks to be human and know so much but understand so little.
I like storms in the middle of the night (when they're not too scary) because it makes Stephanie cuddly. She crawled in bed between Kelly and me, hugged my arm tight, kissed my shoulder and said, "I love you, Daddy. I don't like storms."
Selfish, maybe. But it don't get no better than that!
I have a certain amount of (envy?) for people who can believe that God is involved in every detail of their lives. I used to be that way.
It's kind of the delimiter of 'my life before' and 'my life after'. It's also the reason I can't go to AA. If God doesn't seem care about the slaves in China, the millions dying of AIDS in Africa; the beaten and oppressed women and children of Afghanistan, or the countless others who suffer needlessly every day - - how can I buy that he gives a damn if I have a Heineken or not?
I don't miss the storms at all. They provoke a primal childlike fear in me. Too many times cowering in a bathtub with a mattress over me I guess.
"I do still believe in God. I do still love God. I just don't believe anymore that God owes me any special favors."
A, I've been thinking about your post all day, and wanted to ask you a question. You don't believe tht God owes you favors; do you believe you owe any to him?
Steve - I haven't been ignoring your question, just thinking about it...
No, I don't suppose I do feel like I "owe God any favors". Not any more than I feel like I owe Mark any favors or that I owe my kids any favors - I just love them.
Are you questioning "why" I still love God??
Aola - I have been carrying this post around for a while. It is speaking deeply to me; there is truth here that I want to digest, and something put into words that ties some thoughts together. Thanks for writing it, and thanks for being the kind of woman who could write it.
Hi A, we've been out of town a couple days...no, I wasn't wondering that. Just curious about where you're at spiritually. Seems we are all evolving, and that's a good thing.
Post a Comment