you would think, wouldn't you, that once you figure something out about...
yourself, life, living..
that you could hang on to that and implement into your life for good
but, that's not true of me. I don't know about you. Maybe once you "get it" you've got it.. not me.
I have to learn the same damn thing over and over and over again
I was laying in bed the other night not sleeping as is the norm and I went into one of those times of introspection .. looking at myself to see where I am, what am I doing???
I struggle with depression - a lot. The real problem is that sometimes I don't struggle at all, I just give into it, wallow in it, get lost in it. People can say all day long that these are the "golden years" that life gets better... I'm telling you right now, they are lying out their ass. At fifty-seven I feel I have very little left to live for except getting older, being in more pain, getting sick with some horrendous something-or-other and dying, leaving my children, my grandchildren, my life behind.
But, on this night I was struggling, looking deep into my heart and asking hard questions of myself.
I came to the conclusion that I have been hiding for months, reading voraciously, shutting myself off from everyone close to me, wanting to be alone more and more.
not good
This is not what Zoe needs from me. This is not what Emily needs from me. This is not what I need.
So, once again, I have told myself in no uncertain terms that when Zoe is at the house I will NOT push her away so that I can retreat inside a book. I will not neglect my time with Emily or take a book to her room. I will be there. I will be present for them.
2 comments:
Depression sucks, and if you really get bogged down in it a bunch you may want to see a dr. there are some great anti-depressant meds that don't cost a fortune. I would be still in a horrible mess if it weren't for medication.
Call me any time. I understand how you feel, and I care about you.
Really we must run on the same wave length because I was just telling myself this the other day. I was "playing" with Hayden in his room which really meant I was reading a blog and he was playing. NOT COOL! I need to be present too. I need to embrace today and stop spending so much time worrying about or planning tomorrow.
At our monthly meeting with Erin's psych doctor we were talking about patterns of negative thinking and how the pattern can be changed. I know it doesn't explain away everyone's depression or begin to touch on the myriad of things involved with the psyche. It just reminds me that when I'm experiencing one of those down times it's partially my responsibility to stop and recognize that I need to work on that pattern. I don't know if it's the same for others but I know the more I think negatively the easier it is to continue to think that way and if I turn that around it becomes easier to think more positively.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is a great time in your life. Think of all the time you get to spend with Zoe and Trav. I know many grandparents who would love to have their grandchildren right next door. Also, you get to work from home and you have a lovely piece of land with freedom to do what you'd like there. Yes, your body will defy you. But it hasn't yet. Love you bunches!!!
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