Yesterday was a good day, a busy day. I like busy. I did all my cooking for today, yesterday or most of it anyway. I cleaned. I decorated. I put out all the presents. We had a wonderful time watching Zoe open presents and playing with her and Travace. The big kids liked their gifts, too. We watched movies and just hung out. All in all a pretty perfect day.

but..

in the back of my mind last night... even though I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.. something kept me awake... laying there going over the day...

something is missing.

This morning, up early and right to work preparing a brunch by eleven o'clock.. ham, deviled eggs, boiled eggs, cinnamon rolls, cheesy potatoes, plain rolls for ham sandwiches later, mocha peppermint coffee, and orange juice.

by noon the kids are all off doing their own thing - Em is napping, Seth is upstairs watching a movie I bought him, Levi and family are gone to Christi's Mom's house. Mark is piddling around and I just about have all the Christmas decorations put away.

I sat down here to take a break and there it was in the back of my mind (where I shoved it)nagging at me again.

I have enjoyed this Christmas season more than I have any other in a long while but as much as I try to push it to the back of my mind it is still there...

to me this is a High Holy Day, a high holy season, and I have not taken the time to ponder on that fact.
It is just like me to go from one ditch .. way to the other side.. and into another ditch.

I hate the commercialism of Christmas and for a while tried to make it nothing but a spiritual time (forcing my kids to miss so much of the joyous part of Christmas). I have found a good balance this year of the joyous side of giving, receiving, being family without too much commercialism but I totally left out the spiritual side of Christmas because of my dislike (notice I didn't say HATE this time) of all things religious. GOD, I need balance in my life!!!

I admit, here and now, I need that spiritual aspect of Christmas too.

So, of course I went to Dr.E for guidance and here are some of her posts over the past few days:

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes ~ For many of us, this is our High Holy Day,

These are the hours now, of contemplation on what it means for the Child of Love to be born.

These holy hours are traditionally spent in the way I was taught by the old believers, as considering, encouraging, remembering, praising, hoping... for the survival of the Child of Love, for the times are bad, death and murder afoot everywhere, overtaxation, people forced to flee and become refugees in strange lands..

as is was long ago, it is now too, in terms of not good, and in terms of great good. Brighten your hearts with holiness. At this time in our tradition, there are angels everywhere.

It was said there was a huge star in the heavens, and that this star and angels, ever so many angels, led those with eyes to see, ears to hear to the exact hidden tiny site where slept the radiant Child of Love. This is the time to truly see, to truly hear, to truly behold... and to remember that Love will ever rise again, no matter what is done to it, to us.


Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes We are told that the newborn Child of Love is ever linked to Beauty. Wherever there is beauty, you have heard me say, the predator shows up. Yes. And also, and more than equally, wherever there is Beauty, the radiant Child of Love shows up, looking for a room for the night... in the inn of the heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have thought for a long time now that it really doesn't matter to me if Jesus was a real human being, come of a virgin, died on a cross, risen from the grave.. because my logical mind tells me that he was not. But, it doesn't matter to me. The teachings of Jesus, the concept of Jesus is what matters. What is important are the characteristics of Jesus... love, compassion, tolerance, kindness... those things are what is important to me. The connection to a higher power, the knowing that there is more than what I see or understand. The being grateful that it is that way, that I don't have to rely solely on myself.. there is MORE.

I will spend some time today contemplating, meditating, pondering that greatness and being grateful to be connected to that in some way.