I have to allow myself to think about things that hurt. I mean, I have to consciously let it happen, otherwise my brain pushes the thoughts out as fast as they appear and doesn't allow me to think or feel.
Yesterday,on her birthday, I allowed myself to think about my sister. I even allowed myself to think about the awful way I treated her in the end. It was ugly. I was, maybe for the first time, completely honest with myself about how that felt. It hurts.
She had started going back to church long before I did. She was going to church and attending a home Bible study a couple of years before me. In fact it was she who kept encouraging me to "get my life straight".
I didn't think she was crazy, I just didn't want anything to do with it and told her so.
But, eventually, as you all know, I did give in to religion and boy-oh-boy when I did it was katy-bar-the-door. I'm thinking she had wished she left in me in my sin.
Trudy became a "normal" Christian - you know, the kind that goes to church once a week, she attended a home Bible study at her sister-in-laws house occasionally and made an attempt to straighten up her life... she gave up her lover of over ten years, slowed down her drinking, and tried to be a better wife. All that got her was her being alone and miserable and her sorry ass husband taking advantage of her.
I on the other hand became a freaking raging religious maniac. In just a short time I was telling her how she needed to "get on board" and stop being a lukewarm Christian. In my ignorance I let religion come between us. It is the only time in our lives that we ever disagreed on anything.
When we found out she was sick, I felt like she was not being faithful enough or believing enough or some shit like that and I was angry with her for not having faith enough to get healed. I abandoned her. I had three babies, Seth was just months old, Em was three, Levi six and I used them as an excuse not to have time for Trudy. She died thinking I didn't care.
There it is.. the honest truth. I wasn't there and she died thinking I didn't care.
And, I don't know how to stop beating myself up for it. I can't fix it. I can't ask her to forgive me. I can't make it up to her. I can't undo it.
I just have to live with it.
I don't know how to find forgiveness.
6 comments:
You and I have the same kind of temperament. We're pendulum people. all or nothing, not able to be in the comfortable middle for whatever reason.
Sinner, fanatic, clean, drugged. The middle and the balance are tough.
You have to let go of the dead. You had issues then, and so did she. Punishing yourself does nothing for anybody. Give you and your sister the respect you both deserve by letting it go. I know 'easier said than done' but think of it this way: What good comes from following the same thought pattern now?
Nothing: You have grown and changed since she has died. You are a loving and caring person, and have been able to carve a decent and stable life out of what went before. If your sister's soul is watching and aware, she knows this.
Also, this rend in the relationship prior to her death has taught you a great deal. You are a better person now.
Much Love.
you wanna come have a cup of coffee with me??
When I started reading your post, especially the part about you allowing yourself to really admit what happened between you and your sister, my first thought was "And then you have to allow yourself forgiveness.". After reading all the wonderful things you have said about your sister, I think I can say that she wouldn't have wanted you to hold on to that guilt.
She died knowing that you loved her. If you hadn't loved her so much you wouldn't have cared if she was healed or not.
The act of letting that guilt go can be difficult when the other person isn't physically here to apologize to. Maybe you could write her a letter and leave it in your magic circle, or tear it into a thousand pieces and let it fly into the wind.
When Chris and Dianna died I was so overcome with guilt. I thought that if I had been there that night I could have rescued them from the fire. After the funeral we released balloons in their honor. Tied to my balloon was a letter that said all of the things I wanted to say to them, but didn't have the chance to. It brought me peace.
And I agree with everything Cara said. :)
I do for sure wanna have a cuppa coffee, and about a week of your good cookin!
I can only echo what those who know you much better, face to face, have said. From what i know of you, compassionate and honest are two words that always come to mind. Maybe now that you have been honest with yourself, you might also be able to be compassionate. Can i eavesdrop in that cuppa with you and Cara?
Anj, you are welcome to come porch sit and have coffee any-ol'-time!!
Thank you Ladies. I know you are right and hopefully I can.
Sandy, I love the idea of writing her a letter. Thanks
I love you all!!
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