Death at my back door has once again brought me to this place of pondering that age old question .... what happens next?
It was so much easier when I was a mindless church going fanatic. I had it all figured out. If I just followed the three step plan... go to church, pay my tithes, and FOLLOW THE RULES God had no choice but to let me into heaven because you know that God has to follow the rules, too.
But, then the wild woman inside took over and I started thinking... dangerous thing thinking is.
Guess what? God doesn't follow the rules. In fact there seems to be no rules. You have to learn to follow your heart, listen to your instinct, you actually have to tap into the spirit inside of you to know what is right and what is wrong because having someone else make up the rules for you just doesn't always work.
Where there was once black and white and a (false) feeling of safety, now there are huge areas of gray. Where I once thought I understood God (wow, how arrogant is that?)now there are more questions than answers.
I have to believe based on my own experiences that there is something after death, I just have no idea what.
When my Dad died I was 18 and definitely not a fanatical Christian. I was devastated. A few nights after his funeral I was sitting outside in the parking lot of the trailer park where I lived, sitting on the bumper of my car, crying. I cried for six straight months after Daddy died. I offered up a request to the universe.. "please, just let me know he is okay" and almost immediately (at three o'clock in the morning) a little bird landed at my feet, hopped around chirping, and then flew away.
Draw your own conclusions to that.
On December 19, 2009 at 12:01am I walked outside headed home for the night from my office and observed as the universe held a moment of silence. My sister, the person I was closest to in the whole world, died on December 19, 1993.
There has to be something.
As the grandkids gather around and keep vigil as their Grandpa slowly and painfully leaves this world they are wondering what keeps him from just letting go? I do, too. Is he afraid? Is he afraid that the God he served for 60 years of his life isn't forgiving enough to allow him into the heaven he created in his mind? or can he just not leave behind all those people who depended on him for everything?
Let Go Pop, just let go. This will be your greatest leap of faith ever. Just let go.
4 comments:
So many questions. In the end who really knows until they take that final leap of faith?
I feel that there is something more. My secret hope is that there is some truth to reincarnation. Does that make me crazy?
I am so glad that you are candid about your church experiences. I always think that when you post something about church. Maybe this isn't the post to put this comment in, but today I feel like I have to. I haven't really gone to church since last Ash Wednesday. I had a dream that night, after having ashes put on my head, that made me ashamed to go to church and question a lot of things. I feel like I've been in a downward spiral since then. I feel like I don't have any stability, but maybe it was just a false stability anyway. I mean, if church is supposed to be a place of rest and repreive, then why is it that I feel like I can't ever tell them what's going on in my head? I feel like when I go to church, I have to have it all together, that I can't be a mess when I walk in the doors or to even share the mess with people who go to church. Why is that? Why do I feel like I have to ignore a part of me to "fit in" at church? Like I said, this probably wasn't the post to comment like this, but I just needed to let a piece of it go.
Jen, it was the perfect time and place to post your feelings and boy, oh, boy do I understand those feelings... that very thing, the hypocrisy is the very thing that caused me to leave church.
Believe me, Jen, everyone in that building feels the same way if they would just be honest... questions, doubts, but we were told that was wrong. We were supposed to be perfect and if you arent' then you aren't good enough. Guess what? God doesn't mind the questions, God doesn't mind the doubt. God is big enough to handle it. God wants you to know truth or at least to seek after truth... like Sandy said,we will never know truth until we leave this world behind.
And, yes,it is scary as HELL. All of a sudden your security blanket is jerked away from you and you are left to find what God means to YOU without the religious system, the pastor, your parents telling you what you are supposed to feel and think and do.
But, be brave, Jen, there is an adventure ahead and such wonderful freedom because ultimately you will have to decide on your own and for yourself what is right or wrong. You will have to look deep inside yourself and find that place where God abides and that's where you will find your truth.
"And, yes,it is scary as HELL. All of a sudden your security blanket is jerked away from you and you are left to find what God means to YOU without the religious system, the pastor, your parents telling you what you are supposed to feel and think and do."
Jen, I've been going through this the last few years. Aola and others here have been a big help in that. But of course, I don't have it figured out! (Probably never will.)
When I hear about someone hanging on, I think, "Unfinished business," but you never know. Maybe that's just my "Ghost Whisperer" side talking. :)
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