After reading Anj's blog today about her son I attempted to write a post tonight about Charlie's (my oldest son) life.
I couldn't do it.
It brought back all those feelings of shame and guilt and condemnation I fought against for years; telling myself that I didn't mean to be a bad mother, I tried to be good, it was the drugs, the alcohol, but the truth of the matter is... I did it.
I allowed all those things to happen to him.
I've spent 24 years trying to fix it. I've asked and received his forgiveness, but, I still have to live with the fact that I took an innocent child and screwed him up for life.
I thank God over and over that I got another chance with Levi, Emily and Seth, but, that doesn't erase what I did to Charlie.
I always tried to love him, even in the deepest parts of my darkness, but instead I just used him. My love for him was only thing that kept me alive through those years, but, no child should have to bear that responsibility.
Maybe someday I will be able to write it all out, but, not today.
7 comments:
Oh Aola-- If just once I had heard that kind of honesty from my mother, I could have wrapped my heart around hers. You are an amazing woman, and the words you left at my blog gave me great comfort. I want to say words that make it all right. But how belittling to the depth of your pain would that be? I's love to give you a cyber hug, but I don't even know if you like hugs. So I will sit with your words a while. And hold them and you in the Light.
You know, friend...it takes so much courage to say what you have said.
Most people don't have that kind of courage...to say they are sorry or to admit they were wrong or to take responsibility in spite of the alcohol or drugs. (I'm thinking of so many people right now who don't have that courage...so many hopeless cases.) So thank you for doing that and for showing that people really can and do change.
Hugs to you!! You are a wonderful Mom and I am sure you show him that love now!! Let his forgivness seep into your soul and just keep loving him!
If ever anyone has made up for past mistakes, it's you. The amazing relationships you have with each of your children inspires me.
WOW............growing up I had no idea on certain things.....yet I've learned so much more as I've gotten older.....and not 1 time did Charlie every talk bad of you, not once...he has always loved you so very much.....
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support, especially you Steph - you just don't know how much that means to me. Charlie and I have always had a good relationship and it's better now than ever. He was always willing to forgive and forget. He's got a heart as big as Dallas.
I am the adult who was the child like yours. You can't erase that past, but believe me the remorse, apology and forgiveness does go a long way.
My mother and I are very close now.
I also know what you mean about not being able to talk about the past all the way. I wrote a bunch more about 'babysitters' on my eclipse blog, and then went and deleted it...I just can't go there. It's not going to do anyone any good. It's like sitting in a corner and picking at a scab. At some point, there is no healing involved, just the continuation of pain.
Balance is the key. Find the balance between openness and healing, remorse and forgiveness, courage and self preservation.
Once you find balance, tell me how you did it...... Please!
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