I just want to go sit in a corner somewhere and cry...
Emily discovered the box of home movies yesterday and she has been watching them. A while ago we were all sitting at the dining room table coloring in her new Princess coloring book. Seth was drawing in his sketchbook - thought I better qualify that, he'd be embarrassed if you thought he was coloring princessess, I'm sure. Anyway we were at the table and I heard my sisters voice coming from Emily's room.
It was like a shock wave.
I had forgotten about that few minutes of video I have of her on her 50th birthday. I went to Em's room and watched it. On Trudy's 50th birthday, Sept. 24th, 1993, I planned a surprise for her. I made reservations for our entire family at a Mexican restaurant. She had not been feeling well, but, at that time she had not been diagnosed with cancer. We all went to the restaurant to eat, not long after we all got seated my oldest brother, John and his wife Barb, came in. That was the surprise, they had driven in from Illinois for her birthday party. No one knew this would be the last time we were all together.
The video was made a couple of days later at my Mom's house. Trudy looks beautiful as ever... not a hint that she would be dead three months later.
Seth was only a month old, Emily was 3, Levi was 6, we were just getting started in a new business. I was 39 years old. I felt old and tired most of the time.
All facts but not excuses... how could I have let her slip away without knowing she was dying? It happened so fast.
Hearing her voice causes waves of sadness to wash over me ....
and I just want to go sit in a corner somewhere and cry.
6 comments:
You know as well as I do that you didn't let her slip away. Sometimes in life we have give ourselves a little room to be human. You loved your sister. She knew that. Whatever was going on at the time was just a glitch and only momentary in the bigger picture of things. It doesn't erase all that you shared with her.
Please forgive yourself for whatever it is you are holding you accountable for. You couldn't have known what was going to happen even if you were with her every second and there never would have been enough time because even when someone lives to a ripe old age we aren't ready to let them go.
Oh, A, what a gift that you still have a piece of her on tape. I'm sorry you're hurting, and would gladly sit with you in a corner and hand you chocolate as needed.
Crying with you today and wishing we were neighbors so I could put my arm around your shoulder.
I want to repeat everything sandra, becky, and kristen said. I tried to leave a message for you last night, and it wouldn't take. Your willingness to live life is an inspiration for me, thank you for writing about even the hard stuff.
Ditto all of the above. I love you.
I am sure your sister would not want you to punish yourself for not knowing the future.
I would give anything to have my Grandma Edith on tape.
However. I remember her. She will live on as long as I do, or people that I tell about her.
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