Fear and Loathing

For whatever reason.....that is what I feel today. Most days.

Whether it be hormonal or the fact that I just have issues, I am full of fear and loathing.

There is no explaining it. There is no reasoning with it. It just is.

Like so many others I have a love/hate for Christmas. I love the spirit of the season. I love the being with family, the food....hate the way I always feel like I haven't done enough....no matter what I do.

I'm slowly getting decorations up. It makes Emily happy. Zoe likes helping me.

Zoe...what a kid.

She is just scarily pretty......when you catch grown men staring at her......I want to take a freaking baseball bat to their heads.

She and I have a beautiful relationship, but, G'ma knows what a little turd she can be.  She is a mean little snot when it comes to Travace. She is a sweetheart compared to what Levi was like at 7 😉

Independent. Wow! I get perturbed at her parents sometimes because of all they expect her to do, but, then I have to appreciate how strong it is making her.

Not sure how a Christmas post turned out to be about Zoe? Hmmm....

sleeping

Sleeping.....

to me it is one of the most fascinatingly mysterious things that we as humans do.


I mean every night we lay down and allow our bodies to go into an almost death like state and then we just wake up and go about our business ... just like that.

and dreaming

what the heck is it? where do all those thoughts and images come from? and how do we SEE them???

When you are awake you might can visualize a scene, a person, a thing, but, while we are in the trance state of sleep we actually see images.... with what? we are not seeing it with our eyes. What the heck is your "minds eye"???

Seth practices, or used to, lucid dreaming which to me is a little scary but still fascinating.

I have determined that most of what I dream is from my own insecurities and fears. Sometimes though there are dreams of such wild imaginations that I am surprised by it and fairly sure I did not come up with that.

It is just one of the things that keep me believing that there has to be more to us, more to the universe, more to living/dying. There are mysteries that we cannot understand. Magic in every day life that keep me believing that there will be other paths to take, more life to explore, new worlds in which to live.

Miles and miles to go.........

Evidently no one blogs anymore. We've moved on.

Oh well. I like talking to myself. Good audience.

It was a beautiful day. Levi and I worked together and got three buckets of pecans. There are so many more that need picking up. Mark slept until after noon, then we watched "Spy". Funny movie.

I try to live and enjoy each day as it comes.

Alone.

Kids are gone, playing.
Mark is gone, working.
Emily is sleeping.

Ahhhh.....

Things I love

to sit quietly 

Alone

Still

Breathing slowly

Deeply

Listening

Dark nights and cold stars

Crisp

Air that has sharp edges

Letting my mind wander

Wonder

Ponder

The vastness of what I don't know

Long to know

How it feels like I'm on the edge of knowing

Through a glass darkly

for the last few months I have been having blood pressure/heart issues. I have been trying, really working at losing weight and eating healthier. I try not to get frustrated, but, I do. I feel like I'm starving most of the time (lower carb intake leaves me feeling empty) I walk every day. In four months i have lost 10 pounds which isn't bad, I know. But, I have such a long way to go......

So, I suppose I will just sit over here at blogger and talk to myself. ....


I miss blogging. You actually had to put some thought into what you wrote and usually it was more than two lines, clichés, or memes....

I got to know most of my favorite people through blogging.

Writing has always been a release for me. Back when I was young it was really difficult for me to voice my opinions so I wrote. These days I don't have a problem with voicing anything but sometimes it is advantageous for me not to. :)

It will take me a while to get the hang of this again. Then I will let you know where I am.

I am sick of facebook. The narcissistic selfies. The hate. The fear. The STUPIDITY.

Does anyone blog anymore?

I have forgotten how. This will take a while.

I can't write what burns inside of me. When it comes out on the page I see how ugly it is....it will just have to stay where it is. Bottled up, stuffed down, simmering like a witches brew in my gut.

The fix

I needed to write last night.
I could not get into my blog account. Ugh!
This morning I received the fix.
Now, I can write again.

I have believed for a while now that the thing that is wrong with people, why so many people are so fucked up, is because they have forgotten who and what they are.

I asked Mark just today if  he believes that you can just "know" things... if he believed you can "inherit" knowledge from your ancestors... he looks at me like I'm crazy, but, then he didn't even know what a savant is so I will just discount the fact that he looks at me like I'm a crazy woman.

I do.

I believe I know things from my ancestors, my way-back people. I think  I know things from all of humanity, from the very earth itself. I believe we are that connected..

or

we could be, if we just knew how to open our minds and hearts to it.

Emily and I watched Avatar, again, for the uptenth time a few nights ago and as always it sends my mind to spinning like a wheel, thinking about our connection... to earth... to life.. to each other...

and, yes, I do also believe in the butterfly effect.

I have been pondering in particular our connection to plant life. I have been reading a book that deals with sacred ceremony. In almost every ceremony there is the use of herbs or plants of some kind. What have we lost that we no longer know about that connection, that bit of healing, that part of ourselves?

If you ask most people if they felt connected to a plant or a tree.. once again, you would get the crazy eye.

But, seriously, how many people can look at a beautiful rose and not be touched by its beauty. Or, who can stand close to a hundred foot tree and not feel the awe of its power and majesty. It makes you suck in your breath and stand a little taller in its presence.

In the past couple of weeks, sickness has run through our houses like it has some sort of right to be here. I have gone out several times and smudged (or burned) cedar in our fire pit as a prayer of protection. I didn't have any white sage to use for cleansing or I would have done it first.

Levi ordered us some made-for-ceremony white sage smudge sticks. He brought them over last night to show me, I had never seen any made by someone who knew what they were doing. Beautiful. A silvery white fuzzy plant tied in an eight inch long stick, two - three in diameter. As is my normal, I had to open them so I could smell them ( I have to smell everything... which sometimes is not good)

I opened the bag and took a deep breath breathing in the warm scent of sage......................

 my reaction totally surprised me

I immediately without any other thought started crying. Tears came to my eyes and the emotion was overwhelming. I felt like just breaking down and bawling. Since we were all sitting at the table together, it was a little weird, so, I kind of just laughed it off but I couldn't get over how it effected me... so strange.

I have to wonder why? I am still wondering why?

I told Levi today that I am almost afraid of doing the smudging ceremony, afraid of the emotions it is going to release.

Well.... here it is ... Christmas time again

I have been buying presents since May, so we didn't have to shell out a ton of money all at once. I still need to buy Em's annual purse filled with goodies and that is the last thing...and, of course, groceries!

So, what are your plans for Christmas?

We will have Mexican food and open presents on Christmas Eve.

the menu

Chicken Green Chile Enchiladas
Baked Rice
Beans
Salad of lettuce, tomatoes, red onions (like taco filling stuff)
Chips and Salsa
Rum Cake
Cheesecake
Lemon Meringue pie (Christi)

I even invited my brother to come down (ain't I sweet?) and he is to  bring a 7  layer dip.

Christmas morning we will eat breakfast together before everyone scatters for the day:

Ham
Cinnamon Rolls
Fritatta
Fruit
Mimosas

Then I will collapse on the sofa and watch movies with the sweet Hubby. 

Today is December 19. On this day 19 years ago my sister died. I am going to try to make it out to her grave site sometime today... everyone is gone(working) or I would have already left. On this day    19 years ago I had a 3 month old, a 3 years old, and a 6 year old... How time flies. I still miss Trudy. I DON'T miss having babies!!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season filled with  good old memories and that you make lots of good new ones.

I love all of you and am excited to see what our new year brings... that is if we live past Friday night :)

I have finally convinced Emily that she can go to bed whenever she pleases as long as she turns off her TV and lights and goes to bed by herself. She now thinks she is so cool because she does... and her Mom also thinks she is so cool because she does this!! I have actually had several nights lately where I slept through the night. It has been 20 years or more since I slept thru the night... so, this, my friend, is miraculous to me.

The first few times it happened it kind of freaked me out... what if she needed me, what if she tried to call me and I didn't hear her... but I am beginning to be able to relax a little, knowing that she doesn't mind, she doesn't feel abandoned, it makes her feel grown-up and it just makes me sooo happy. Like last night, I went to bed at 10:30 because I was really tired from our trip. I didn't wake up until 7:30 this morning when I heard Mark leaving.

HooRay for tiny victories!!!

I'm not sure what SIXTY is supposed to feel like, but, if this is what it is supposed to be.. .it sucks.

I feel old.

I know I need to lose 50, 60, 80 pounds... and I'm sure I would feel much better. Maybe I wouldn't hurt so bad all the time. But, that feels like a lost cause to me.

I do pretty good for the first few hours of the days, well, up until about noon.. then I am pretty much just DONE.

I force myself to do the things that have to be done.

But, all I really want to do is sit and do nothing or sleep.. blessed sleep.

The older I get the more I understand my Mother. I know why she sat in a dark quiet house doing nothing, sleeping every chance she got.... but, I really don't want my brain to atrophy like hers did. So, I push.

I watched out the window yesterday while Levi and Christi cut wood. I hated myself for not being down there with them, but, I just couldn't do any more. I have been going in the mornings and picking up the cut wood, bringing it to the house, and stacking it...a little at a time. It's all I can do and more. I feel like I'm letting Levi down because we have always cut wood together... it just SUCKS. .. mentally and physically.

It feels like the shadow of things to come...  I would rather be dead than to have to live through what lies ahead.

life....

fragile...

I can't get the image of Cody (Seth's bud) laying, dying in the middle of the highway ... dark and alone.. gone


tender.....

at first Seth couldn't or wouldn't talk to me about it. I told him that was fine, but, he needed to be with his friends so he could have someone to talk to. He is in Ada right now, all of his buds hanging out, eating together, talking, planning a motorcycle run to help Cody's family pay for funeral expenses. He finally did open up to me a little this afternoon as he was driving to Ada. I could feel the intensity of our bond as clearly as if we were holding each other in an embrace.. the way you hang on to someone real when Death hits you in the face.

the only thing I know for sure about life.. is that it goes on

Levi, Christi and I spent our afternoon together picking up pecans, enjoying the beauty of this little piece of ground that claims our hearts, discussing our plans.. mostly their plans for the future. We built barns, and sheds and raised small livestock, grew big gardens and learned to can..

Levi goes in for oral surgery early in the morning. He is understandably a little nervous, since he has never even had a tooth filled much less pulled. They are taking out all 4 wisdom teeth.

and I know life can be hard....

as I am sitting here in my office typing I am hearing Mark back in the shop cursing God and man and machine and everything in between. The job he is trying to do is beyond not only his capabilities but way beyond the capability  of his old machines (to do precision work).  He takes it very personally, evidently.

So, all at once today I am tired, and feel horrible with this cold that won't let go, sad, and happy, deeply loved and content, proud of my boys, and irritated with Mark's bad attitude. That's pretty much running the gauntlet of  emotion, don't' you think?

Well, what do you know. I finally got in and did it all by myself. Normally I have to call Levi for help when the computer stumps me.. which is fairly often.

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A few days ago I was wondering around outside enjoying this magnificent weather we are having, praying.. or what ever you want to call it... talking to the universe... speaking to the wind... Any ways... I was thinking about how this crazy election has effected people. I do believe it is the ugliest, most desperate election I've ever lived through. I also think that a lot of the Christian people I know truly believed this was life or death. I think they truly believe that the world is going to come to an end with Obama as our President. Geez, I know things have been pretty tough the last four years but actually our business is doing better right now than it has in ages So, I don't think the world is going to end because he is President again. BUT, back to my original thought ... oh, the rabbit trails.... I was thinking about the upcoming fiscal cliff/tax cut/doomsday scenario and thinking about the possibilities of  what might happen there. And, I was praying for/hoping for a time where big business does not own our country, a time where business is more localized, smaller, family oriented like it used to be. When I was a kid there was a local community store on every corner, a Mom and Pop store for everything. The money would go to local people, state taxes and not so much to the Federal Government. I, personally, wouldn't cry much to see the big money mongers fall by the wayside or at least have to pay taxes accordingly. 

I guess the first step would be really supporting our local businesses, huh? I've said this before, but, I truly am going to try to buy more/most of what we do buy locally.

Thoughts?

Really?
It has been 10 months since I've been here, 10 months that we've been fretting over Emily's tongue.........geez, how time flies when you are having fun.

Late this afternoon, after making love and then taking a nap, Mark and I were down by the chicken pen. He was working on the door, making it easier for me to open and close. I was sitting in a lawn chair lending moral support; I leaned my head back and gazed at the pale blue sky and the few leaves that are starting to turn. The trees above the pen stay full of birds these days waiting to swoop down and steal food, jays mostly.  I breathed deeply and sighed contentedly, looked at my sweet husband and thought....if I could just freeze time I would. I could spend all of eternity at this age, in this place, with this man. We could raise generations of grandchildren and continue to do what we are doing right now.  Let this be my fate, my fortune, my heaven.

the final step towards a new beginning... the application goes into the mail tomorrow. I have no idea how long it will be before we hear back from the college to know if he has been accepted, but, keep your fingers crossed. :)

I've tried really hard not to make myself sick over Emily's biopsy... I've done pretty good. At least I haven't completely fallen apart. Tomorrow and Tuesday may be a different story though.

Business is good. The weather is beautiful. Cold and sunny most days. Lots of days in the upper 40's and some in the 50's and even low 60's with lots of sunshine.

Everyone is well except for the ever present sinus/allergy bullshit that goes on and on and on. I have learned to live with the constant headache/sinus pressure since I can't take any kind of medication for it (because of my BP).

If it is possible, I grow more attached to Zoe daily. I love the little person she is becoming. I love that she loves me. I think she loves me almost as much as I love her.

and right now, I need to go sit with Emily for a while and watch some Disney.

Love you Bunches!!

When we tell her we have to take her to see a new doctor she gets nervous and anxious and looks at us with pleading her in big blue eyes and her only question is..."will they hurt me, Momma?"

I tell her she will have to be brave and strong and she replies... "I'll try Momma, I try."

She has had/does have too much pain her short life. she has been cheated out of her life. she has lived with pain most of her life. hasn't enough happened to her already?

It makes me hate God.

I think of the movie title (although I've never actually watched it) "Children of a lesser God"... is that what Emily is? or am I just looking for someone or something to blame - probably.

She trusts us to make the right decisions, she trusts us to not let anyone hurt her.

How am I supposed to know? I have never met a doctor I trusted... how will I know if they are being truthful or just covering their ass...

I already can't sleep, making myself sick over the what-ifs

I can't even talk about the what-ifs