I have to wonder sometimes if every human is as messed up in the head as I am?

So much fear and anxiety, so much hatred and negativity .... Once again, fear and loathing is the way I feel most of the time.

I dreamed last night that I was changing a baby's diaper in the trunk of my car in the middle of a huge, empty parking lot. I just got a new diaper part way on him and he peed all over the place. I looked down and there was a towel on the ground. I reached for it and suddenly it was out of my reach. I walked to where it was, seemed far. I looked up and I was in the middle of this parking lot and a semi was heading right at me. I looked back at the car where I had left the baby and someone was walking towards it. They grabbed my baby and threw it like a football.....

Fear. Anxiety. Insecurities.

In all of my dreams.

Never anything pleasant.

Been a bad day for dieting.

I will do better tomorrow.

The whole weight loss thing just wears me out. I am pleased that I have lost 17 pounds on one hand, then, I think...Lord, if I lose another 17 I will only be "down" to 200 pounds. HOLY CRAP! When did I get so freaking fat. How did I let this happen??
All I know to do is keep trying. Rejoice in small victories and keep pushing.
After my shower last night I could actually wrap the towel all the way around me. Yeah Me!

It is probably a very good thing that we have no close neighbors....

Ms. Em loves music, she loves it LOUD.
I make her wear headphones, but, she also likes to sing...AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.

Sounds a whole lot like we are torturing her or a very sick cow. ... but, I never make her stop. I just come out to the office or go sit outside.

That's my girl.

So. Freaking. Depressed.

Sunny and cold. Makes me glad to be alive.

Up and at 'em. I took care of the chickens and out for my daily walk. Absolutely beautiful morning.
At this stage of my life I am grateful for every new day. As you get old, older, you really learn to live in the moment because the moment may be all you have.

I know no one cares, but, no one reads so what the heck....

In August I downloaded an app called LoseIt. My projected goal was to lose 50 pounds at 1 pound per week. So far I have lost 12 pounds. As fat as I am you can't really tell that I've lost any, but, I'm starting to feel the difference. I'll just keep poking along doing the best I can. I really have to do it his time. I've had to start another, third, blood pressure medication to keep my BP under control.

Fear and Loathing

For whatever reason.....that is what I feel today. Most days.

Whether it be hormonal or the fact that I just have issues, I am full of fear and loathing.

There is no explaining it. There is no reasoning with it. It just is.

Like so many others I have a love/hate for Christmas. I love the spirit of the season. I love the being with family, the food....hate the way I always feel like I haven't done enough....no matter what I do.

I'm slowly getting decorations up. It makes Emily happy. Zoe likes helping me.

Zoe...what a kid.

She is just scarily pretty......when you catch grown men staring at her......I want to take a freaking baseball bat to their heads.

She and I have a beautiful relationship, but, G'ma knows what a little turd she can be.  She is a mean little snot when it comes to Travace. She is a sweetheart compared to what Levi was like at 7 😉

Independent. Wow! I get perturbed at her parents sometimes because of all they expect her to do, but, then I have to appreciate how strong it is making her.

Not sure how a Christmas post turned out to be about Zoe? Hmmm....

sleeping

Sleeping.....

to me it is one of the most fascinatingly mysterious things that we as humans do.


I mean every night we lay down and allow our bodies to go into an almost death like state and then we just wake up and go about our business ... just like that.

and dreaming

what the heck is it? where do all those thoughts and images come from? and how do we SEE them???

When you are awake you might can visualize a scene, a person, a thing, but, while we are in the trance state of sleep we actually see images.... with what? we are not seeing it with our eyes. What the heck is your "minds eye"???

Seth practices, or used to, lucid dreaming which to me is a little scary but still fascinating.

I have determined that most of what I dream is from my own insecurities and fears. Sometimes though there are dreams of such wild imaginations that I am surprised by it and fairly sure I did not come up with that.

It is just one of the things that keep me believing that there has to be more to us, more to the universe, more to living/dying. There are mysteries that we cannot understand. Magic in every day life that keep me believing that there will be other paths to take, more life to explore, new worlds in which to live.

Miles and miles to go.........

Evidently no one blogs anymore. We've moved on.

Oh well. I like talking to myself. Good audience.

It was a beautiful day. Levi and I worked together and got three buckets of pecans. There are so many more that need picking up. Mark slept until after noon, then we watched "Spy". Funny movie.

I try to live and enjoy each day as it comes.

Alone.

Kids are gone, playing.
Mark is gone, working.
Emily is sleeping.

Ahhhh.....

Things I love

to sit quietly 

Alone

Still

Breathing slowly

Deeply

Listening

Dark nights and cold stars

Crisp

Air that has sharp edges

Letting my mind wander

Wonder

Ponder

The vastness of what I don't know

Long to know

How it feels like I'm on the edge of knowing

Through a glass darkly

for the last few months I have been having blood pressure/heart issues. I have been trying, really working at losing weight and eating healthier. I try not to get frustrated, but, I do. I feel like I'm starving most of the time (lower carb intake leaves me feeling empty) I walk every day. In four months i have lost 10 pounds which isn't bad, I know. But, I have such a long way to go......

So, I suppose I will just sit over here at blogger and talk to myself. ....


I miss blogging. You actually had to put some thought into what you wrote and usually it was more than two lines, clichés, or memes....

I got to know most of my favorite people through blogging.

Writing has always been a release for me. Back when I was young it was really difficult for me to voice my opinions so I wrote. These days I don't have a problem with voicing anything but sometimes it is advantageous for me not to. :)

It will take me a while to get the hang of this again. Then I will let you know where I am.

I am sick of facebook. The narcissistic selfies. The hate. The fear. The STUPIDITY.

Does anyone blog anymore?

I have forgotten how. This will take a while.

I can't write what burns inside of me. When it comes out on the page I see how ugly it is....it will just have to stay where it is. Bottled up, stuffed down, simmering like a witches brew in my gut.

The fix

I needed to write last night.
I could not get into my blog account. Ugh!
This morning I received the fix.
Now, I can write again.

I have believed for a while now that the thing that is wrong with people, why so many people are so fucked up, is because they have forgotten who and what they are.

I asked Mark just today if  he believes that you can just "know" things... if he believed you can "inherit" knowledge from your ancestors... he looks at me like I'm crazy, but, then he didn't even know what a savant is so I will just discount the fact that he looks at me like I'm a crazy woman.

I do.

I believe I know things from my ancestors, my way-back people. I think  I know things from all of humanity, from the very earth itself. I believe we are that connected..

or

we could be, if we just knew how to open our minds and hearts to it.

Emily and I watched Avatar, again, for the uptenth time a few nights ago and as always it sends my mind to spinning like a wheel, thinking about our connection... to earth... to life.. to each other...

and, yes, I do also believe in the butterfly effect.

I have been pondering in particular our connection to plant life. I have been reading a book that deals with sacred ceremony. In almost every ceremony there is the use of herbs or plants of some kind. What have we lost that we no longer know about that connection, that bit of healing, that part of ourselves?

If you ask most people if they felt connected to a plant or a tree.. once again, you would get the crazy eye.

But, seriously, how many people can look at a beautiful rose and not be touched by its beauty. Or, who can stand close to a hundred foot tree and not feel the awe of its power and majesty. It makes you suck in your breath and stand a little taller in its presence.

In the past couple of weeks, sickness has run through our houses like it has some sort of right to be here. I have gone out several times and smudged (or burned) cedar in our fire pit as a prayer of protection. I didn't have any white sage to use for cleansing or I would have done it first.

Levi ordered us some made-for-ceremony white sage smudge sticks. He brought them over last night to show me, I had never seen any made by someone who knew what they were doing. Beautiful. A silvery white fuzzy plant tied in an eight inch long stick, two - three in diameter. As is my normal, I had to open them so I could smell them ( I have to smell everything... which sometimes is not good)

I opened the bag and took a deep breath breathing in the warm scent of sage......................

 my reaction totally surprised me

I immediately without any other thought started crying. Tears came to my eyes and the emotion was overwhelming. I felt like just breaking down and bawling. Since we were all sitting at the table together, it was a little weird, so, I kind of just laughed it off but I couldn't get over how it effected me... so strange.

I have to wonder why? I am still wondering why?

I told Levi today that I am almost afraid of doing the smudging ceremony, afraid of the emotions it is going to release.

Well.... here it is ... Christmas time again

I have been buying presents since May, so we didn't have to shell out a ton of money all at once. I still need to buy Em's annual purse filled with goodies and that is the last thing...and, of course, groceries!

So, what are your plans for Christmas?

We will have Mexican food and open presents on Christmas Eve.

the menu

Chicken Green Chile Enchiladas
Baked Rice
Beans
Salad of lettuce, tomatoes, red onions (like taco filling stuff)
Chips and Salsa
Rum Cake
Cheesecake
Lemon Meringue pie (Christi)

I even invited my brother to come down (ain't I sweet?) and he is to  bring a 7  layer dip.

Christmas morning we will eat breakfast together before everyone scatters for the day:

Ham
Cinnamon Rolls
Fritatta
Fruit
Mimosas

Then I will collapse on the sofa and watch movies with the sweet Hubby. 

Today is December 19. On this day 19 years ago my sister died. I am going to try to make it out to her grave site sometime today... everyone is gone(working) or I would have already left. On this day    19 years ago I had a 3 month old, a 3 years old, and a 6 year old... How time flies. I still miss Trudy. I DON'T miss having babies!!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season filled with  good old memories and that you make lots of good new ones.

I love all of you and am excited to see what our new year brings... that is if we live past Friday night :)