Down Home

2012-01-22T23:35:00.002-06:00

the final step towards a new beginning... the application goes into the mail tomorrow. I have no idea how long it will be before we hear back from the college to know if he has been accepted, but, keep your fingers crossed. :)

I've tried really hard not to make myself sick over Emily's biopsy... I've done pretty good. At least I haven't completely fallen apart. Tomorrow and Tuesday may be a different story though.

Business is good. The weather is beautiful. Cold and sunny most days. Lots of days in the upper 40's and some in the 50's and even low 60's with lots of sunshine.

Everyone is well except for the ever present sinus/allergy bullshit that goes on and on and on. I have learned to live with the constant headache/sinus pressure since I can't take any kind of medication for it (because of my BP).

If it is possible, I grow more attached to Zoe daily. I love the little person she is becoming. I love that she loves me. I think she loves me almost as much as I love her.

and right now, I need to go sit with Emily for a while and watch some Disney.

Love you Bunches!!

2012-01-20T11:53:00.002-06:00

When we tell her we have to take her to see a new doctor she gets nervous and anxious and looks at us with pleading her in big blue eyes and her only question is..."will they hurt me, Momma?"

I tell her she will have to be brave and strong and she replies... "I'll try Momma, I try."

She has had/does have too much pain her short life. she has been cheated out of her life. she has lived with pain most of her life. hasn't enough happened to her already?

It makes me hate God.

I think of the movie title (although I've never actually watched it) "Children of a lesser God"... is that what Emily is? or am I just looking for someone or something to blame - probably.

She trusts us to make the right decisions, she trusts us to not let anyone hurt her.

How am I supposed to know? I have never met a doctor I trusted... how will I know if they are being truthful or just covering their ass...

I already can't sleep, making myself sick over the what-ifs

I can't even talk about the what-ifs

2012-01-16T20:33:00.002-06:00

coming down the home stretch, at least for this phase of college life. We got Seth's scores on his GED test - he did really well - we have yet to receive the official GED certificate but at least I have something to put in his application packet. I finally got him sat down at the table one day last week to fill out the application. He still has a drum questionnaire to fill out. He, James, and Mark are in the studio tonight recording his demo that he has to send in along with the application. We should have this all done and ready to mail by the end of the week. I haven't heard anything back from FAFSA as to whether or not he was approved for a grant. Will they notify us or the school?

Our personalities have sure clashed during this process. If it was me I would have had this stuff done, filled out, ready to mail weeks ago.. just waiting on the day it needed to be sent... he has put off every aspect of the process until it just had to be done... drives me crazy.

2012-01-01T20:48:00.002-06:00

step, step, baby step... big giant step

He passed the GED. He is taking drum lessons twice a week now to get ready to record his demo CD for his application. James says he will be ready in two weeks to record. We have until Feb. 1 to get his application in for him to eligible for a scholarship.

I did his FAFSA application tonight. If it gets approved it will pay $5500. which will cover his first semester....

Last week James brought his drums out and they set up facing one another in the studio so they could "trade licks"... James came out later (we were all sitting out by the firepit) and said.. "I'm telling you, A, he is fucking awesome." He said Seth was giving him licks he was having trouble giving back...

I am so excited to see where this goes for Seth. I always knew he had talent but I'm beginning to think it is much more than I knew.

Go, Seth, Go!!!

2011-12-19T21:00:00.003-06:00

I haven't touched or smelled or felt anything of substance in so long I can't remember.

I haven't had a thought deeper than the damn laundry basket in months.

I haven't connected to or sought out anything that would rock my soul, instead I just float around on the top of the water getting by without getting wet.

I feel empty and vapid.

I would rather feel hungry. I want to feel ..... that's it, I just want to feel again.

2011-12-04T22:41:00.003-06:00

Seth will be taking his GED test beginning tomorrow at 3:00... you better pray that he passes, 'cause if he flunks it he may die. He skipped two nights of his classes last week. I was not a happy Mama. We are still fighting about it... he only had three freaking weeks of classes and he skips two days "because he just didn't feel like going"

The push and pull of trying to get him grown up, able to take care of himself, out of the house and still love him is wearing me thin.

I will be glad when we are down this road looking back. I know that it will all work out somehow and things will be fine. It is just the right now, trying to get 'er done that is killing me.

2011-12-03T13:43:00.002-06:00

you would think, wouldn't you, that once you figure something out about...

yourself, life, living..

that you could hang on to that and implement into your life for good

but, that's not true of me. I don't know about you. Maybe once you "get it" you've got it.. not me.

I have to learn the same damn thing over and over and over again

I was laying in bed the other night not sleeping as is the norm and I went into one of those times of introspection .. looking at myself to see where I am, what am I doing???

I struggle with depression - a lot. The real problem is that sometimes I don't struggle at all, I just give into it, wallow in it, get lost in it. People can say all day long that these are the "golden years" that life gets better... I'm telling you right now, they are lying out their ass. At fifty-seven I feel I have very little left to live for except getting older, being in more pain, getting sick with some horrendous something-or-other and dying, leaving my children, my grandchildren, my life behind.

But, on this night I was struggling, looking deep into my heart and asking hard questions of myself.

I came to the conclusion that I have been hiding for months, reading voraciously, shutting myself off from everyone close to me, wanting to be alone more and more.

not good

This is not what Zoe needs from me. This is not what Emily needs from me. This is not what I need.

So, once again, I have told myself in no uncertain terms that when Zoe is at the house I will NOT push her away so that I can retreat inside a book. I will not neglect my time with Emily or take a book to her room. I will be there. I will be present for them.

2011-11-30T21:08:00.002-06:00

It sometimes takes a little while, but, I can usually manage to pull myself up out of the darkness I allow to creep in on me...

I'm feeling better about life in general or at least not feeling as down as I was right after Rufus disappeared.

We lost a huge job at about the same time because we had someone go into a church and tell the leadership (in the church) a bunch of lies about us and our products. I told Mark just to look at as Karma saving him from what looked like a lot of nothing but trouble to me. The church was old, the building historic, they were never, ever going to be happy with what he put in there. They only thought they wanted a huge, digital PA system in their Methodist Church.. and when it stuck out like a sore thumb, was way too loud, and no one could properly run it.. it would be our fault.

I spend most of my days piddling around doing what little I have to do to maintain our household. The most cooking I have done was this past weeks feast, which was small in comparison to what I normally do. I read, a LOT, these days. I have read all 16 of the Stephanie Plum series, plus the 4 "between the numbers" books, plus a couple of others. Ever once in a while I find something to do outside.. Levi has a wild hair ever once in a while and wants to cut wood. I have done a little transplanting of some perennials.

I have Zoe for a few hours almost every day. She loves to play on her computer, she has 4 or 5 different games that she has pretty much mastered. We still watch lots of Land Before Time videos. (guess it's better than Barney) On the prettier days I try to spend some time letting her run outside.

This is Seth's last week of taking GED classes.. the big test is scheduled for next Monday and Tuesday... cross your fingers, say a little prayer that he passes the first time. I can't see that he has made much effort and if he flunks the test I just know I am going to be REALLY PISSED. We are scheduled to go tour the facility at ACM next Thursday. Then it will be on to figuring out the financing.

Gonna go read now... love you guys.

2011-11-21T21:46:00.003-06:00

the day are getting shorter or so it seems
the nights come early
the rain is cold and dreary

but needed

nothing seems right
he was just a dog
he was just a dog
he was just a dog

too many bad things all at once

they are small things
but they keep piling one on top of another
until I feel weighted down by them

nothing feels right
it was just a printer
it was just a job
it was just a sale
it was just another hundred dollars

he was just a dog
he was just a dog
he was just a dog

2011-11-20T18:27:00.004-06:00

this has just been one of those weeks from hell... all the morbid stuff I've been dealing with, then Rufus disappearing... not knowing if he was killed or is laying somewhere hurt and starving and can't get home. We have walked miles looking thru the woods but there are hundreds of acres of woods behind us where he might be. Then today we found out we will be losing about a 1/3 of our income after the first of the year, looks like John is shutting down the ballroom. He is just not making any money doing what he is doing. If he doesn't shut down he is probably not going to have any more big acts come in and won't need us. And, on top of all that we lost the football game this week to a team who has NEVER beaten OU... not that football is all that important to me but it was just one more slap in the face.

sometimes it just doesn't seem to worth the effort

2011-11-17T12:34:00.002-06:00

I've been working on "when I'm gone" stuff this morning. I get so overwhelmed when I try to do this. I know it needs to be done,but, I just can never seem to get anywhere on it because I get so overwhelmed with the whole process. I can't imagine what this is like for someone who has a lot of assets ... geez. What I would really like to do is wait until our land and house are completely paid for so I can divide it up and go ahead and give it to the boys. But, that's years away and if something happened now, they would be screwed. I went thru this with Mother,she thought she had it all planned out so it wouldn't be a hassle for us kids and it was a stinking mess! The part that always throws me is Emily. I can't ask Levi and Christi to care for her (for multiple reasons that I won't go into here). And, it wouldn't be fair to Seth either... I've told them both that when Mark and I are both gone to put Em in a nursing home. It is the best solution I can come up with.. and it sucks.

I'm thinking the best solution for everything else is to sell it all and divide the money.

I have contacted a lawyer friend to at least get a Living Will written. I need to push Mark a little harder to get him to go to the funeral home and find out about pre-planning insurance...

getting old SUCKS!!!

Have any of you taken any steps to this end?

2011-11-14T20:41:00.002-06:00

week two of GED class ... Ms. Teacher said... he did really good on the reading/reading comprehension tests, within 5 points of passing on math.. not so great on the Language Arts. She is giving him 3 weeks of classes two times a week to get up-to-speed and then he takes the final test.

Three weeks. He can do this!! still doing drum lessons every Monday night with James.

2011-11-11T18:47:00.004-06:00

Zoe's birthday is Monday. She will be three years old. Funny, how that feels. I feel like she has been a part of my life forever and yet it was only yesterday that she was born.

Party is all planned. I made arrangements with the local Pizza Hut to have it there. (hope Brandy is working that night) I like their pizza but mainly I chose it because it is not as busy as the "other" pizza place in Ada. There will be 12 of us, two tables, two cakes, balloons and someone else to do the cooking and cleaning!! Presents have long since been bought, now wrapped in bright colored balloon birthday paper and lime green squiggly ribbons.

Bring on the birthday partying!!

Thanksgiving.

Menu planned:

Ham
Turkey
Dressing
mashed potatoes
sweet potatoes
rolls
cranberry sauce
pumpkin pie
banana pudding (Seth's only request)

Doesn't get much more traditional than that.

Ham and turkey are both bought and in the freezer. Should be a snap to prepare. I have invited two extra (other than family). We will be having our dinner on Sunday the 27th so Levi & Christi can be with her family on Thanksgiving Day.

Christmas:

I have most everything bought that I am going to buy; ordered Seth's today. I still haven't decided on Levi... and will probably pick up a few more things for Zoe and Emily. I got Trav's coin for the year... geez, oh man, silver is expensive!! I suppose I will just ask Levi what he wants and not risk getting them something they don't want. Cash is always good in his case.

So, have you got your holidays all planned out?

2011-11-07T20:29:00.003-06:00

Saturday night at the ballroom Jeff Allen was the headliner.. they are a really good red dirt band on the rise, doing lots of gigs in N. Texas and Oklahoma, based out of Austin. Jeff offered Seth a job as his drummer... at first Seth was thrilled and excited but he stopped long enough to think about a minute and decided not to audition. He wants to go ahead with our plan for school.

He took the first part of the assessment test today, goes back tomorrow for the final exam and hopefully we will find out how he did then.

He is on his third drum lesson and doing good with that. It is amazing what he has to already know to even apply at ACM.... serious musicians only.

2011-11-05T13:31:00.002-05:00

Seth's GED classes start Monday... he has been studying a little, cross your fingers that he does well on the assessment test! He ran into a guy today that goes to school at ACM and ask Seth if he wanted to room with him. He also told us to let him know when we would like to come for a tour and he would arrange it... KOOL!

Things are falling into place.

My heart is already breaking... but full.

2011-11-04T14:30:00.004-05:00

At noon I went next door to get Zoe to come outside with me. I waited while Christi got her coveralls, boots, and jacket on her. We held hands and walked over to my cart to get my gloves and sweatshirt. She and I stacked the rest of the wood that Seth brought up two days ago... such a slacker, I am. I would pick out the smaller pieces for Zoe to put on the woodpile ... she sometimes insisted on getting a bigger one. Once that was done we decided we needed a break and sat and rocked on the porch for a while.. actually I sat and rocked, she feed the dogs treats and fussed at them when they licked her... ewwww. As usual she had an ALL of a SUDDEN need to go potty and we have to run, run, run Grandma to get there in time. Then there is the ritual of handwashing, teeth brushing, hair brushing (every time we go potty). Aunty Em woke up and joined us in the bathroom and we decided that everyone needed some breakfast. Aunty Em provided us with entertainment (she got Micky Mouse Club House going on the tv) I moved Zoe's high chair into to Em's room and fixed them identical breakfasts... 1/2 of a PB&J, a banana, 1/2 cup of yogurt and juice.. the girls sat contentedly eating for the whole hour long show (Zoe had another helping of sugar(her word for yogurt). We cleaned up, Aunty Em wanted to go back to bed and Zoe was ready to go home.

Lovely morning with my girls.

Day of the Dead

2011-11-01T14:58:00.003-05:00

I guess it happens when the people you love start dying. When you are the baby of the family and everyone is older than you, you kind of wind up being last on the list to go and have to stand by and watch life/death happen. I used to tease Mother that everyone she knew was dead... well, I am beginning to know how she felt.

I have no living Aunts or Uncles. My Grandfathers were gone before I was born, my Grandmothers both died in my teens as did my Dad. My sister, my best friend has been gone for 18 years. Life is speeding by like a freight train and I'm next in line.

Memorial Day came and went and it only felt commercialized, but, I need something to keep me connected, especially to my sister. Honestly, the rest I don't much care about... my Dad has been gone sooo long (almost 40 years)and he was a jerk anyway. My Mother lived a good, long life and it was her time. The rest of my family I was never all that close to.

Pretty much since Memorial Day I have been thinking about this, planning it. I decided that Day of the Dead was for me. It is a celebration of life in it's entirety ... the whole circle... the living and the dead.

I ordered a beautiful little porcelain Catrina that reminded me of Trudy. I bought silk marigolds. I printed a picture of the women of my life collage I made a couple of years ago. I bought cream horns because Trudy loved them. This morning I made myself a cup of coffee, loaded everything including tools into my van and headed to the cemetery.

I've always liked cemeteries, so quiet and peaceful.

I ran through the whole kaleidoscope of emotions... dread... sadness.. anger.. I find I am still mad at her for leaving me... I worked hard at digging the grass away from her marker while I was still feeling angry.. then peace.

I took my folding chair and sat right on top of her and told her just how I felt. I told her about the anger and the regret and how sorry I am for the way she died and about the guilt I still feel for not being there for her. and I ate a cream horn, laid one out for her, and left.

I drove to where she used to live. I stopped at the little neighborhood store she shopped at and bought stick bologna and half moon cheese in her honor (how many times did we do that together??)

As I headed home the emotions washed over me, gently this time, and love for those still living... my sweet, sweet husband who has stood beside through all those times, who never, ever let me down or left me alone (unless I needed to be)This man who saved me from myself and the hell I lived in before I met him. This man that I am more connected to than life or death could alter.

I came home. I went on with my day as normal. I will hold these feelings inside of me. I will hold my family in my heart.

one step at a time... Step One

2011-10-27T12:00:00.003-05:00

Seth has gone this morning to try to get enrolled in GED classes... for those of you not from Ada OK you have to understand the "try to" part. You may or may not find anyone at the office because you sure as hell can't get them on the phone. They may or may not be able to give you the information that you need because they have a government job and don't give a rats ass about you or doing their job as long as they continue to get their paycheck.

I have started the FAFSA application for Seth. One of his friend's Mom said I should wait until Jan. 1 to submit it since it is first-come-first-serve with the grant money. Since I don't really know but still it sounds like she does, I will wait. It should still give us plenty of time to get the $$$$ figured out before the fall semester begins.

We are making lists... lots of lists..

He had his first drumming lesson with J. Purdy on Monday. Mr. P. says Seth catches on quick and it shouldn't take too long to get him up to speed for the entrance exam.

baby steps..... Giant Steps.

2011-10-25T12:17:00.001-05:00

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole going off to college thing.... the amount of money that it is going to take to get him enrolled, relocated, etc. is staggering. I keep telling myself... take one thing at a time ... one thing at a time..

2011-10-22T11:54:00.002-05:00

I've been waiting for this day...

Seth came to me last year, middle of his Senior year, and wanted to talk about school. I knew he was struggling with it and also knew he was only doing the minimal amount of work, just enough to say he was doing it, and enough to keep me off his back. He hated school, he wasn't learning anything (which I knew to be true), and he wanted to quit. He said he would keep going if I insisted but he wasn't going to learn anything.... which I also knew to be true.

I could force him to do the work but I couldn't force him to learn. It is something you have to want.

So, I let him quit, hoping that some day soon he would see and understand that he needed to learn, that learning was good and can be fun and rewarding....

Last week he came to me with a plan!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

He is going to take classes to get his GED. He has hired a friend/drum teacher to teach him some of the more technical aspects of drumming. Once the GED is done we are going to start applying for grants and send in his application to the School of Rock (ACM@UCO) in Oklahoma City. He is going for a two year associate degree and then the plan is to move to Bransom, MO and play in one of those big music halls with a house band.

I'm thrilled for him that he has a plan. Now, let's make it happen!!!

2011-10-12T21:09:00.002-05:00

OH, MAN, I feel so bad for poor Seth.

About a month ago he hit a curb and laid his bike down; it scratched him and his bike up pretty good. He thought he could fix it, so, he sanded it down and spray painted it, but, it turned out looking like crap.

So, I started doing some research on "how-to" and told him that if he would follow those steps and listen to his Dad I would foot the bill for him to try again.

He has worked so hard for about a week wet sanding and sanding and sanding some more. He did all the bondo work and sanded some more. He has done a really good job on it so far. Tonight he decided to put it back together as is and ride it to town to save a little gas money.

I heard him take off from the drive and then some other noise and then heard him shutting it down. I ran outside to see what happened and he was limping it in the drive... he had failed to put a couple of screws in the left fairing and when the wind caught it, it ripped it completely off.. breaking plastic pieces and ripped the bracing off the bike. Not only did it ruin all the work he has done over the past week it did some pretty serious damage.

I just wanted to cry for him.

He just left it sitting in the drive-way, got in his car and screamed off down the highway.

He called me in a few minutes when he had time to calm down (a little) and told me that he was just DONE.

I tried to encourage him but it was not the time so I let it go. Hopefully, when I tell Dad this story he will have pity on Seth and help him fix this.

Even if Seth is DONE, we need to fix it so we can sell it for what he still owes on it.

He was ready to push it off in the dump.

2011-09-30T22:42:00.002-05:00

I just can't stop thinking about this:

A couple of days ago Levi came over to talk.... about what is going on in his life right now, about some decisions he has made, and his feelings. I am sometimes amazed at his wisdom.

After he left he went home and got the kids and took them out for a walk. They walked down behind the house on the lease road and were just kind of playing around down there. Zoe loves to throw rocks and Travace just is into everything these days. Levi said he happened to look up and catch a glimpse of something unusual in the sky so he stood there watching.... a white bird flying out of the woods towards them. The bird came out of the woods to the east and flew right to where Levi was standing. It landed close to him and just hopped around a little and then flew away. It was a perfect snow
white dove.... strange thing is, I have never seen a snow white dove here... ever. I see grey mourning doves occasionally but have NEVER seen a white dove.

It was still enough for him to get a good picture on his phone to show me. She was beautiful.

He felt like he had been delivered a very strong message.

He's a complex young man... and probably the most spiritual person I've ever known.
(but you really have to know him to know that)

2011-09-28T20:23:00.002-05:00

I slept okay last night, about like usual. I wake up tired every day, feeling like I've been beat up during the night, takes me an hour or so of sitting with a coffee cup on the sofa staring at the news to get my head wrapped around another day. My routine is mostly the same.. light cleaning, laundry, cooking, a little office work almost every day, whatever needs to be outside including taking care of the animals, the yard, the trash. I deal with Emily when she gets up. She has never been allowed to just go in the kitchen to get what she wants because of her gluttony. Mark and I take turns getting her breakfast/lunch/snacks/drinks. On Wednesdays we get her up about noon so we can get to walmart and get our weekly shopping done, home, put away and have coffee together before our weekly studio client shows up.

Today while we were having our coffee and watching our nightly episode of NCIS Levi came in to ask if Zoe could come over "she's been asking since she got up at 9:00 this morning"

As tired as I am, I still can't say no to that...

As soon as our show is over I take the golf cart and go get her... She's hopping up and down with excitement as we hold hands and head out the door together. I took her for a car ride all around the walking trails and we "go fast".

"Grandma's house???" "yes, you can come to Grandma's house" "Dinosaurs?" "Yes, we can watch dinosaurs.. actually Pappy already has it playing for her when we come in.

I tell her she can stay until her bedtime. For the first thirty minutes or so that she is there she sits in my lap, hugging my knee close to herself or she leans on my chest, at one point she reached up and took hold of my hand.

She asked me to "cook noodles" her favorite thing to eat at Grandma's house. So she ate and watched her movie while I sat close to her on the sofa and read. We played the Pooh game on the computer, we colored, we sat in Aunty Em's room a while. I put her in the tub and let her play for about 20 minutes and then put on her new pj's I bought... so cute.. and combed out her long,curly beautiful hair. When it is wet it is halfway down her back now (but only when it is wet)

She crawled up on the sofa and laid down, my cue that it's okay to tell her it's time to go home without her having a meltdown (which I cannot handle.. just breaks my heart to make her go home when she is crying)

So we slipped her sandals on, she ran and got my shoes for me and we walked hand in hand to her house.

Nite Nite Grandma... love you... see ya' later Grandma.

yes, you will baby girl, yes you will.

2011-09-27T12:24:00.001-05:00

and these?

2011-09-27T12:17:00.003-05:00

I am trying to update Em's wardrobe a little and make her look more age appropriate. Most things in her size look my grandma ought to be wearing them. She is so hard to please.. it has to be the right material (soft, knit, stretchy, not itchy...) the sleeve length and neckline have to be just so-so, she prefers an empire waist.. and finding shoes she will wear is even harder!

but... I have been really looking at Disney fashions (her favorite shows) and hunting for things that I can layer to try to make her feel and look a little more fashionable.

How about this over the plum colored dress?

and these with it...

2011-09-23T21:39:00.002-05:00

We go in and just wonder around a bit to acclimate ourselves to a new place,see what types of machines they have, hunt for one that has pretty pictures mostly. She really likes ones that have mermaids or fairies. We don't spot any that we have played before but I did find one with fairies. We pull the chair out of the way and scoot her wheelchair into the space. I hand her a twenty dollar bill, she knows just what to do now... she locates the slot and puts in the money, turns and gives me a huge smile. I pick her lines and bet and off she goes. She knows just when to push the button now and how to long to wait in between bets to see if she has won anything. Then she hits a jackpot party.. free spins and the credits go up. She does a little happy dance in her chair. I move down a couple of machines so her Daddy can sit by her and I play two machines down from her, stopping once in a while just to watch her face. She's watching the lines and is beginning to know when she has a win before the machine even tells her. She plays down to ten dollars and wants to cash out and move. We try another machine, this is Red Hot Chili Pepper Party. It makes lots of noise, bells and whistles, she loves it. An older gentleman comes by and encourages her to win, win, win. I'm playing across the isle from her now. I stop and turn around as she hits a Big Win. The wheel on top of the machine is spinning and lighting up. Her credits are spinning. A couple close to us stops playing to watch and laugh with her, clapping for her, teasing her about having to loan us money. She is grinning from ear to ear doing that happy dance again, so, I dance with her. She won 42.00. Then she declared she was ready to cash out and go eat.

That's my girl.

2011-09-15T19:55:00.002-05:00

my Daddy built the building that our shop is in almost 50 years ago.. when I was a little girl I remember my Daddy sitting on his 3 legged milking stool in the doorway of this building, just sitting. My Daddy was a thinker, an inventor, said he was lazy and if he could invent something to make a job easier it was worth the extra work. He would sit on that 3 legged stool for days, just sitting there thinking and thinking and then he would get up and get busy building whatever it was he thought of. He would go to the scrap yard and you would hear him in the shop hammering, welding, banging, cussing up a storm and then in about 3 or 4 days he would come out with a new what-ever it was to do the job that needed to be done.

He built an auger that was powered by the PTO on our tractor so he didn't have to dig post holes. He built a pecan shaker also powered by the tractor so he didn't have use a flailing pole on the trees. He built a pecan separator so he didn't have to do it by hand and I could go on and on.

My Dad was a lot of things and honestly I don't really know what kind of man he was. I have some really bad memories of him being horribly mean (to my brother) and cold to all of us, but, I do have some good memories of him and I will just choose to let them remain just that... good memories.

I was just thinking of him as I was sitting out in the yard a while ago staring at my project-in-the-making trying what to decide to do next... just sitting and staring and thinking.....

2011-09-02T12:39:00.003-05:00

"They" say we are going to get a break in our weather next week, after 2 months of it being over 100 degrees every freaking day... 102, 107, 113... it has been a miserable summer here and everyone is hoping to see it come to an end.

Yesterday on our trip to Norman I saw several fields, hundreds of acres, plowed and ready to grow crops. I just had to smile at the resilience and the eternal hope that abides in people's hearts.

The guys have two two day outdoor festivals coming up back to back for the next two weekends, glad they had this weekend off to get ready and rest a little. They will be driving to Woodward (Oklahoma Panhandle)both weekends. The cooler temperatures will be most welcome!

I've been working on accounting stuff.. I am always sooo behind... and it looks like our net profit this year is going to be way too high.. isn't that crazy? Feels like we just barely get by, barely keep up with all the payments and yet on paper it looks like we make too much money. I told Mark that I will get completely caught up while they are gone the next two weekends and then give him the Yea or Nay on whether he needs to start looking at new trucks. Shit. I don't want to make huge payments on a truck again, but, I would rather Mark have a truck than give it to the government to waste. I'll waste it myself, thank you very much.

2011-08-27T18:00:00.005-05:00

Okay... Halloween Party.... I want to do this

to this wig

and wear this, maybe died green or with a shimmery green overlay

and be MOTHER NATURE

What do you think?

2011-08-21T12:43:00.003-05:00

I woke up several times during the night to the sounds of rain. I suppose since it was such an unusual sound it kept waking me, it was nice though.
I hope that this means that the high pressure zone that has been sitting on top of us for months is weakening.. I can hope. I am so ready for fall weather and football and tail gate foods and being able to go outside and work.

Emily and I got out Halloween costumes last night and talked about what we would be this year. I tried on her witch costume and she decided that is what I should be. Can't really think of anything more appropriate :) just wish I wasn't so fat. I've forgotten what it feels like to put on clothes and look good in them or to have any kind of figure and forget ever looking sexy again... being old sucks.

Remember months and months ago when we cut down the dead mimosa tree in the front yard and I could never decide what to do in that space? I finally decided.

Okay, as you walk up to the house there is a small little graveled walkway lined with two long wooden poles laying on the ground as borders.. to the right of the walk way is my water feature to the left is the (still) empty space. Further out to the right I have almost completed a brick walk that goes to the fire pit. (so far we have water and fire, right) At each end of the walkway I am going to build an arch (wooden poles with a cross piece over the top) I am going to hang wind chimes of all sorts on the arches (wind or air) Okay, back to the (still) empty space on the left side ... A GREENHOUSE. Mark has agreed to help me since I couldn't do this one alone. It will be attached to the west side of our house and will represent earth.

Cool, huh?

I still have a lot of work to do, can't wait for some decent weather so I can get busy!!

So, what new project are you working on?

2011-08-14T18:21:00.002-05:00

I've been reading Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle about her family's year long attempt at being self-sustaining. Of course, it sends me over the edge... I want to live like that but for some reason it seems so unattainable to me. I guess because Mark has absolutely no interest in it. The boys say they do, but, I know how that goes... and I have convinced myself I can't do it alone. I read, then I go do research, then I pace around and think about what I could do to get started.. and then get completely overwhelmed and give up the idea.

This year's garden once again proves that we could not live on what I can grow unless I increase the effort... bigger garden, more work, more dedication to actually growing and canning and ..................................................

But, what I am thinking is that I should just tackle one small thing at a time. Pick a project and follow it through.

Maybe, next year instead of making a bigger garden just concentrate on one or two foods that we really like and grow more of that, enough to can for a year.

I know Mark would not help with any kind of animal raising.. we have been there, done that and he won't do it again. But, I could handle chickens for egg laying purposes. I've done that before. I guess when they get too old to lay they can just become pets :)

The ideas and thoughts come like a storm swirling around in my brain, the actual work of it kind of loses me.

ONE project, one project, one project.....

I'll stew over that for a while and get back to you.

OH, how are ya'll doing?
We are all good. We are busy. The babies are great. The grown ones are doing fine.

Summer, hopefully, is losing its steam... thank God!! Schools have already started around here.

Off to do some more research. Love you guys!!

2011-07-19T14:20:00.002-05:00

One day recently Seth and I spent most of an afternoon listening to different radio stations on XM radio discussing genres of music, who we liked and what we didn't, ended up plugging in his ipod and listening to his list with him telling me who each one was. We both decided that John Mayer is probably our favorite.

I am reading short stories by Barbara Kingsolver and wishing that the Allen Public Library had a better selection ... there are so, so many books I would like to read. Mostly they have trash romance... Nora Roberts, Danielle Steele, that sort of author.

I can't even remember the last movie I watched that I actually liked. True Grit was meh, I sent Burlesque back without ever watching it, I want to go see Harry Potter but am waiting for the crowd to thin.

I'm planning a birthday party for Levi at the Ballroom on a night they will be working which is fun.. at least the planning part is fun. I'm a little uncomfortable with having the party there (I feel out of my element there) but it is what he wanted.

Our next weekend trip won't be until the end of August for Seth's birthday. This will be FUN. I've read that it is good for my aging brain to do new things.. well, this is new. I've never been to a casino. I've never played a slot machine. I've never gambled at all. We have never stayed at this motel. All new fun.

When we headed to Tulsa, I told Mark that my objective was not to eat anywhere we had ever eaten before. We hunted out a couple of out of the way, little hole-in-the-wall diners. Lucky us, we picked out winners!!

Hopefully for our September birthdays we can go spend a night in Brick Town (OKC).
But, we'll have to wait and see how the finances are then.

I loved seeing Cheri's photos of their recent trip to Mt. Rainer. What have the rest of you been up to?

2011-07-06T16:32:00.003-05:00

It is hot. Over one hundred degrees every day. Everything is dead or dying, the lawns are brown, all the new plants planted in the spring are not going to make it. I water the garden almost every day and it is still dying. The tomatoes are in the shade of a huge pecan tree so hopefully they will survive a while longer, hopefully long enough for us to have a few fresh tomatoes.

I think I probably picked the last of the yellow squash and cucumbers today, the plants are shriveling from heat stress.

I am lethargic and oh, so grumpy. Zoe acts as if we are punishing her because we don't go out to play anymore. Her Daddy takes her swimming in the evenings but it's just not the same as getting to go out to play.

two more months of this...

and, I promise this will be the last post I write whining about it.

The guys are doing an install about an hour away. I'm glad they have work and it is indoors.

We have two mini vacations planned, one for our anniversary to Tulsa and the other to Winstar World Casino for Seth's 18th birthday. I told him that if he wanted to celebrate his 18th with friends I would totally understand but he chose for us to all go to the casino together. It looks like an amazing place to visit, www.winstarworldcasino.com, even if we don't win a penny it will be fun. While in Tulsa we are going to the Oklahoma Aquarium, I am excited about that, too. My favorite room is the jelly fish room.

okay, I am going back to my chair, my book, and the AC in the house.

love you all

2011-07-05T11:38:00.002-05:00

I HATE the damn motorcycle.

I am having the hardest time getting a grip on him riding a bike. I have been walking around with knots in my stomach ever since we bought it.

When he is two minutes past curfew my head starts spinning and the "what-ifs" start bombarding me... it's driving me crazy.

I keep telling myself that worrying doesn't change anything and I'm really trying not act like a crazy woman... not working so far.

I guess it doesn't help that two boys, 17 and 16, died in a car wreck just a couple of miles up the highway from us last week.

Okay, now I've got to go walk this off..... HELP!

2011-06-24T11:12:00.003-05:00

as I sit in my dark, cool office looking out the front door of the shop I wonder.... or maybe wander is more to the point. My mind wanders as I wonder ... how about that.

I am reading a book that I randomly chose off the library shelf, I don't really like it. It is one of those books that "they" say is good, not just good, but Pulitzer Prize winning good. I keep reading it thinking that surely I will soon come to the part that made it "good". She uses too much ... there are too many adjectives, too much flowery language, phrases that don't even make sense.. aubergine dreams.. what the hell is that? When I'm finished with it, if I ever finish it, I will let you know if it was good or not.

I am wondering this morning what good heat like this is, surely it has a purpose. It makes pecans and okra, all things very Okie. Maybe that is why we are so tenacious - raised up in boil-your-brain heat or maybe why we Okies are mostly stupid.

I'm feeling very ....... (looking for a word)...... tender this morning. The guys left early, took the truck to Ft Worth to pick up Seth's new bike. I am all at once sooo excited for him, talk about a dream come true. He has been wanting a crotch rocket for years (I would NOT allow it) but you come to the place where he turns 18 and can do what he wants and I have sense enough not to push it past that point. His dream bike has always been a Ducati but he never really imagined that he would ever own one! Then yesterday, lo and behold, he is searching through websites and came across a bright yellow, in perfect condition, Ducati for sale in his price range. We left two messages for the seller, no response, trying not to be disappointed the phone rang about 7:00 last night and the nicest guy on the other end telling Seth he was the first to call, it had only been listed a couple of hours, come get it, it's yours!!! And, on the other hand, of course, being Mom... I am terrified for him and wondering What The Hell are you doing helping him buy a Ducati??????

I suppose that I have to trust that if Karma likes him enough to make his dreams come true that it will all be okay.

What's UP???

2011-06-20T12:39:00.002-05:00

Can you believe that the 4th of July is only two weeks away? As far as I'm concerned, summer can be over after the 4th. All I do is suffer thru until September after that holiday!

Mark took most of last week off - work was slow and he finished up in the shop in one day. He didn't have anything else scheduled so we piddled around the place and did some fun family things together. Back to work this week though.

Emily has been swimming every day since we got the pool open and she is doing pretty good with it. We give her pain pills before she goes and it hasn't been too bad.

Seth is living life large. He is having a ball being a free wheelin' teenager. He and his buddies are on the go everyday doing something fun... long-boarding, swimming, going to the lake, to the river, to the pool, going to the city (Norman and Oklahoma City) to the malls. I am so happy for him that he is getting to enjoy being a teen. He briefly had a girlfriend, but, found out that she drank and he put an end to that in a hurry. He is smarter than the average bear.

My garden looks beautiful, things are growing and producing even though I am having to water every other day. The yard is starting to die already from lack of rain.
I have about half of the pastures mowed. I'm not having to mow the yard at all.

I am planning a weekend getaway for our anniversary, going to Tulsa, to the aquarium, and just general messing around for a couple of days.

Business has been pretty good, staying fairly busy and we can pay bills, so, it is all good.

Travace has been sick a lot with colds, fevers, teething, baby stuff. He is cute as a bug. His personality reminds me so much of Seth.. laid back and easy to get along with .. until he gets mad. He is a fast little bug... crawls like the wind... he can walk, he just can get there faster crawling so that is what he does. He is almost as big as Zoe and is learning, quickly, to hold his own with her.

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe... the absolute love of my life right now and a huge pain in the butt all at once. She is demanding and bossy as hell, sassy and loud, talks up a storm. She can count to 12, knows her colors, can spell her name, is a little smart ass and loves her Grandma!!! She is scarred of absolutely nothing, except bugs and she really, really doesn't like bugs. She insists that I make her a pallet in the floor, get her covers and pillow, take off my glasses and lay down beside her every day.. she kisses me on the cheek and then pushes my head down on the pillow and tells me... SLEEP! Every once in a while out of blue she will look at my and tell me "YUCK, tiggers don't like honey. icky, sticky stuff" and then bounce away....
She is as wild as her hair makes her look.

So, what have you guys been up this summer?

2011-06-14T13:13:00.002-05:00

Standing outside late last night enjoying a moment of almost cool breezes and a full moon I thought about Sandra's poem - Storing September. At almost 60 sometimes I feel like I have to hurry up and get all the things done that I want done before I get too old to do them. I have to shove in all the living and loving that I possibly can in case my brain stops working like my Mother's did. I have to make indelible memories in Zoe's mind so she doesn't forget me.

It is a strange feeling to think that in 20 years or so I won't be here and I won't be any more than a vague memory to most everyone.

Life and Death.... circles of life, living.... dying ... strange emotions

2011-06-08T20:24:00.002-05:00

sometimes I go for days, sometimes even weeks before I realize that I am feeling completely empty. This happens when I forget to take the time to connect to the things that are important to me.
I get busy... busy with just being... busy with life... busy with all the busyness that surrounds this family and I forget to breath.

then I realize that I am an empty, walking around shell and it scares the hell out of me

or I feel something tugging at my heart to WAKE UP, pay attention, be present.. breath, Aola, breath... take in long, hard draughts of air

go for a walk, sit in your circle, actually take time to walk with Zoe and let her lead.

Lately, I've had the feeling like I and everyone around me have been in some terrible rush.... we have been really busy but it seems to be affecting everything in our lives. We go out to eat and we hurry, hurry, hurry through the meal and get gone (and yes, last night, we did need to get Levi back to his job) I keep having that nagging feeling ... you know the one...where something just doesn't feel "right"?? Yeah, that feeling.

It's my heart and soul telling my stupid head (that's me - ol' stupid head) to slow down.. nothing is that damn important.

So, here is a reminder, firstly to me, and to you too to not let life trip you up... take time to breath and enjoy what is happening right now, right this moment in your life because it is an important moment and you don't wanna miss it!!!

love you all

2011-06-04T12:58:00.003-05:00

God, I hate it when I allow my emotions to make me act stupidly/react badly to a situation!

I keep telling myself all the things I need to remember about Seth growing up/leaving/moving away from us not only physically but emotionally.

But, DAMN, it is hard.

He has not been present around here in a long time, he comes home to sleep and that is about it. He is always pleasant, he asks every time before he leaves if I need anything or need him to do any thing for me. Since school is out and he and his buddies are free to roam it has been worse. He is gone every day. He's having a blast! Life if good and fun and free for him and I'm happy he is getting the opportunity to experience this "being a kid" time in his life.

But, DAMN, it is hard.

It's hard to accept that we (and more to the point .. . I) am just not that important in his life anymore.

I insisted that he be present at his sister's birthday party.. he came.. showed up after we had ordered pizza, stayed long enough to eat one slice, kissed her on the cheek and left. I had asked him to buy her a gift because she loves getting presents.. it makes her so happy when her brothers do anything for her.

He didn't.

I got pissed.

The way he handled the whole thing made me sooooo angry.

He apologized and I got mean.

I told him I wanted him to just go ahead and move out if he didn't want to be a part...

I sort of meant it, but, don't want it to happen like that.

Hate it when I act stupid.

Damn, it's HARD!!!

2011-05-25T14:00:00.004-05:00

sadness sitting like a heavy stone on my soul, tears right on the edge of my consciousness ready to pour out at any moment

it doesn't feel right for it to be such a bright, sunny, beautiful day

like there should never be any more bright sunny days after babies die

tossed around and smashed to the ground

with their mamma's screaming and trying to hold them

not my babies but it so easily could have been

death blowing in the wind, taking whomever it pleases

we should run and hide and pray

but it doesn't matter

if death comes blowing down your door

2011-05-03T19:36:00.003-05:00

I have been doing some serious soul searching the last few days... it ain't easy ... or fun.

Sunday marked the day that the money I personally loaned Kevin P. was due to be paid and, of course, Sunday came and went without so much as a phone call.

We have talked with a lawyer but the reality is that Kevin doesn't have any money, he is not going to have any money and any legal action would only hurt his family because his wife would wind up having to take the brunt of that since she is the only one with a job.

But, the anger... oh, the anger... the way he has treated Mark who is the kindest, most giving man I know.... the anger was eating me alive.

I would think I had it under control and then something would come up that made me see RED all over again.

But after this weekend I realized that the anger was really messing up my mojo... Karma and I are usually on pretty good terms but I could feel that was changing. I don't want to be a person that walks around with murder in my heart.

So, I have been spending a good amount of time walking, talking, praying, laying awake at night thinking, reading good thoughts from others, and tonight as I lay out in the pecan grove on cool green grass watching the limbs high above me sway in the breeze, listening to the birds singing to one another, feeling the last heat from the sun as it went down behind me, I feel as if I have finally rid myself of the worst of the anger. I'm not saying it might not crop up again but for now it is under control and hopefully it will just starve out and go away for good.

Kevin P., or no one for that matter, is worth me being all screwed up over...

I have to rest in the fact that Karma will take care of what needs to be taken care of.

2011-04-30T12:21:00.003-05:00

On this little piece of ground where I spend hour upon hour walking, praying, listening and watching there is magic. I'm not sure what most people think magic is... something unreal, something foreign, something taboo?? but to me it is every day life.

Our waking up every morning from a deep dreamy sleep is magic, our ability to breath, our very essence is magic.

Spring arriving every year, plants coming alive again, life, rebirth, new beginnings are magic.

and I don't care what the church teaches... God is the deepest magic of all. Can you imagine a magician so powerful as to be able to speak worlds into existence, to be able to create a magic so powerful that it can reproduce itself?

so as I walk my walking trails in the early morning chill through the deep woods that run along our little creek and listen to the birds and watch the progression of life I know in my heart that I am in the presence of a beautiful, powerful magic that exists just because it does. That magic is not for my entertainment or my gain, it just is because it is. I am blessed beyond measure and so are you to live in this realm where that magic exists. We are blessed creatures because that magic is all around us and in us, we are a part of it and it is there for us to observe and enjoy.

2011-04-25T16:30:00.008-05:00

Well.... I don't have to worry about watering the garden for a while :)

We have had four days straight of being under a tornado watch, one thunderstorm after another, small hail, big lightning. I love storms and really enjoy it for a few hours, a day, maybe two but now I'm tired of it and need some sunshine and to be outside.

This morning I was so desperate to be outside I just took off in the rain (very light rain)waded through the puddles and went down to the creek. I haven't seen our little creek with that much water in it in a long time.. it was more like a rushing river than a tiny little creek, cool to watch but very detrimental to the landscape.

My garden has been under water several time and parts of it still are. I hope the tender little plants were rooted good enough to hang on.

Poor Zoe just doesn't understand why we can't go outside to play.. she's as much an outdoors girl as G'ma is and she's getting pretty cranky about it. (also like her G'ma)

In the meantime I have watched all of Season 2 of LOST, working on Season 3 and still loving it. I watched a few episodes of True Blood, it really is a bad show, stupid story, bad actors, and I had heard it had lots of sex in it but geez no one said it was straight up porn! that whole watching a train wreck feeling.

The only movie I've watched lately was Due Date and it was pretty good.

I'm reading a book that Christi loaned me. I don't even remember the name of it. It's a juvenile fantasy thing.. not a bad read but its hard for me to stay interested in it.

We had our Easter family dinner on Friday night because the guys worked Saturday and Sunday doing a community church service.

My old van still hasn't sold which really bums me out. I guess I will lower the price, again, and put it back up on the road. I really need for just the right person to come by and want it... need the money to pay on the new van!!

Hope all is well in your little corner of the world.

2011-04-20T20:48:00.002-05:00

I am a real "home-body". I would rather be home than anywhere else and when I do venture out and go somewhere besides here, I am always so glad to be back no matter if I was gone 10 minutes or 10 days. Our home is by no means perfect, it desperately needs some repairs done. Parts of our house have never been painted. It needs trim replaced and a new roof. It is small and old. And, I love it with all my heart.

I said all that to say this...

I was thinking today about how I feel about Mark and that is what I came up with.. he feels like home.

I have really been fighting depression for several days... maybe not fighting hard enough.. it helps me to count my blessings when I feel so down and I have many to count.

So, think good thoughts for me and I will appreciate the light that you send.

2011-04-09T13:57:00.002-05:00

The weekend is here. For us that means ... more work.

I should've gotten up and gone to the Monkey Biz (kids consignment) sale this morning in Ada, I was awake at 9:00 but just didn't want to get up and go anywhere so I rolled over and slept another hour instead.

Zoe loved the little goldfish in the water garden. I let her stick her hands in the water yesterday, she liked catching the bubbles the fountain makes and scaring the fish. Of course, she had to flip the water at G'ma and get me wet and, yes, G'ma splashed her back.

We have piddled around the place all morning, not doing much but just hanging together. Mark worked on my rainbird a little and got it oscillating better so I could water the squash and cucumbers I planted yesterday. We sat on the porch and drank coffee to the sound of the water garden. We fixed and ate lunch together and watched an episode of LOST. Now, he is out in the shop building cables while I am on the computer. He and the boys will be leaving in about an hour for the ballroom. Easy night tonight.

Yesterday, Emily and I went to town to do a little shopping. We went to a strip mall and I pushed her up and down the whole strip going in almost every store. We bought a pretty purple Easter basket, a stuffed baby rabbit and chick, some sunscreen,bubbles in ice cream cone packaging and green plastic grass for Zoe's basket. We looked at baby clothes and purses. We picked out a very cool black iron wind chime with copper bells for our fairy circle. We ate lunch in the van so she didn't have to get in and out again. We went to Walmart to shop for fish, 10 tiny goldfish at .28 each, a bright orange garden bag with 3 tiny tools and some seeds for her to plant and we headed home. She was exhausted with climbing in and out of the van and was sound asleep before we got out of the Walmart parking lot.

I love buying gifts, especially for no reason other than I love you. I will never have money because I enjoy giving it away too much. I buy tons of stuff for Emily because no matter how small it is she is always so happy and excited to get up and find a surprise in her chair or sitting by her tv. Seth always remembers to say thank-you and Zoe, well, she's just Zoe.

I have always told my kids... "I would pull the moon down and give it to you, if I could"

I dreamed my sister was dying last night... I dream of it over and over and over.. In this one I didn't know until she was almost gone and when I got to her house she had shrunk down to the size of a Barbie doll. I held her in my arms until she died.

2011-04-05T22:41:00.000-05:00

2011-04-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

pictures by Seth

2011-04-02T17:52:00.003-05:00

I never get tired of sitting in the yard, walking around the yard, working in the yard.... oh, how I love springtime before things get weedy and the grass takes over all my gardens.

Last year, much to my dismay, we had very few butterflies.. this year they are everywhere! At any given time during the day I can go sit on the porch and there will 10, 15, 20 or more flitting around the closest lilac... and OH the smell. It is heavenly. There are big yellow swallowtails, smaller black swallowtails (and I'm not sure why they are so small this year?), the tiny little sulphers and BEES, honey bees and bumble bees.

The weather is gloriously perfect. I know it won't last long so I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can!

On the whole though, things aren't as green as they should be because we have had no rain. The iris are blooming, yellow and deep purple right now, but they are a little lack-luster and the trees are slow to leaf. The grass is greening up but still lots of brown patches. Hope this changes before the heat of summer settles in.

Business is good, everyone is staying busy. The babies are growing like crazy. Travace will be a year old next month. Zoe is my big girl, talking up a storm, counting, spelling, that little brain just working overtime. And suddenly she has become such a little lover. Every time she sees me, she runs at top speed to jump in my arms to hug and rock me.. our hugs are loud and rambunctious!! Makes this old Grandma's heart happy!

So, the moral of this story is that life is good.

2011-03-23T10:43:00.002-05:00

Tara, who is the female Bodhisattva of Compassion in Tibetan Buddhism

To share with fellow devotees a sacred invocation, a ritual dance, the creation of sacred and devotional art, can be transformative, a great blessing.

Tara is celebrated with a long prayer called "The 21 Praises to Tara". The Goddess has 21 manifestations - peaceful and wrathful - all different expressions of divine mercy and wisdom. In the painting below, Tara is surrounded by smaller figures, each representing a different aspect of the Goddess (such as "White Tara", "Red Tara", etc.)

Black Tara is a wrathful manifestation, identical in form and, no doubt, source, to Hindu Kali. Like Kali, she has a headdress of grinning skulls, like Kali, she is black, like Kali she has three eyes. Like many Tibetan deities in the wrathful aspect, she has the fangs of a tiger, symbolizing ferocity, a ferocious appetite to devour the demons of the mind. Her aura or halo is fiery, energetic, full of smoke symbolizing the transformation of fire.

Kali is the great Dark Mother of India. In Hindu mythology, when the world was being devoured by demons, there came a time when even the great Gods couldn't battle them. And so Kali the terrible manifested, the "last ditch savioress". Kali is the One who brings the forest fire, levelling the ground so new growth can occur, the surgeon who cuts cleanly away morbid tissue so flesh can heal.

The icon of Kali, dancing on the prostrate body of Shiva, is a strange and horrific image to the western sensibility. Christian theology is dualistic, but Hinduism and Buddhism are not. In Bali, the curbs of Ubud are all painted like a checker board, black and white, as are the altar clothes. This is to remind those who walk down the street continuously of Sekala and Neskala, the continuing balance of Dark and Light, the yin/yang of life. Kali appears in Bali as the dreadful, fanged, bloodthirsty Rangda. Battles with her are always fought by the benign dragon, the Barong, in dreadful graveyards. But no one ultimately wins. Because, perhaps, the battle must continually be fought. And Rangda, work done, often then returns to the heaven realms, to become beautiful, peaceful Uma, wife of their version of Lord Shiva. Kali, whose name means "Time" (Kala) lives beyond form, beyond the pairs of opposites, the truth beyond the skeins of karma and time...............

2011-03-23T10:37:00.000-05:00

KALI

Once upon a time the world became overpopulated by demons.
They filled the world with their copious greed,
and reproduced themselves endlessly.
They had become, in other words,

full of themselves.

They consumed the light of day, they soiled the air
they ate the trees, they swallowed the waters
they devoured the lands with their insatiable greed

Until there were no more things of beauty made,
or new dreams dreamed, or children born.

The unborn ones called to me
The ones yet to come.

The time had come
to say Enough.
And No More.

I, I am the Goddess of No More

I, I am the shadow of all those
who cannot remember

how to say enough
and No More

I, I am the Mother
of those
who are yet to come

Jai Ma
Kali Ma

2011-03-22T10:53:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I am going to get a full moon added to my tattoo. I haven't yet decided how big or which side.... hoping that Rachel will help me decide what would look best.

This will be that last piece I ever get. Funny.. I never wanted a tattoo, don't even really like them, but, I wanted THIS tattoo. It is hard to explain what the she-wolf means to me. Alpha Female. strong. brave. loyal. fierce. All the things I hope to be in my life.

I love the way Emily and Zoe react to her when they see it... at first Zoe was a little afraid of her. She would touch it with one finger and jerk away, now she asks to see it and pets my arm lovingly. Every time Emily sees it, she wants to touch it and she tells me how pretty my she-wolf is.

Most people never know she is there.. that she-wolf hiding under my sleeve (just under the surface)and most are a little shocked when they do.

I will post pictures in a few days of the moon.

2011-03-15T21:07:00.003-05:00

Emily and I are planning a birthday party for our friend Charity. We are having such fun doing it together. I took her to Walmart a week or so ago and let her pick out some very festive BD plates, napkins, etc. and then we went to Bath and Body Works to pick out Charity's gift... yummy smelling stuff!!
Tomorrow we will buy what food we will need, a table cover, and whatever else we can think of that we might need.

I love to decorate for parties and everyone knows that. The last time Jason and Charity were here I had decorated for Valentines Day and she said something about how pretty it looked and I remarked "just give me an excuse to decorate"... she made the mistake of mentioning that her birthday was coming up.... PARTY TIME!! I don't think she will mind the fuss we are making over her. :) She is such a sweetie.

Of course, there will be pictures after the party on Sunday night.

The menu is:

Pizza and lots of it
Salad

Italian Cream Cake from Kalico Kitchen... oh my!!

and FUN!!

2011-03-09T19:33:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Seth was having a really bad, no good, terrible day. He, for the first time in his life, was attempting to do a complete, front and rear, brake job on his car including putting on all new rotors (most brake jobs just get new pads).

After not being able to bust loose the lugs on his tires because the guys who put on his new tires put them on too tight and after breaking two sockets and a wrench trying, a trip to Ada to the tire shop to get them loosened and two trips to Ada because the parts store gave him wrong parts... he was pretty much at his wits end.

His Dad volunteered to make the last needed trip to Ada for him and Seth came in and laid his head down on the bar opposite of where I was working in the kitchen. I went over and massaged his head a minute and just let him sit there for another minute or two, then I told him he needed to man-up, stop his whining, his ranting, ravings and cussing, and just do what had to be done because all that getting mad does is expend more energy and make the work harder than ever.

He started to balk at that reprimand. stopped. took a deep breath. sat there and stared at me a minute.

then he came around the bar, fixed himself a whopper of a sandwich, poured a coke and by the time his Dad got back he had put himself into a better frame of mind and went out and finished the job with no more incidents.

I was so very proud of him for accepting my criticism and just acknowledging that he knew I was right and that he had been acting badly/stupidly.

He is such a great kid.

2011-03-07T13:14:00.002-06:00

One night back in October we were at Fossil Creek Ranch listening to Seth play drums with Tildon Gillum. I leaned over to tell Emily that I was going to the bar to get Dad and me a beer and that I would be right back. She wanted to do it for me... I told her that she couldn't, she wasn't old enough and that made her MAD! She pouted around for a while and asked again.. I told her again that she wasn't old enough and that she would have to wait until after her next birthday.

....fast forward to two night ago....

Emily and I were sitting back in her room watching TV together and somehow the conversation came around to birthdays. I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday this year. She just matter-of-factly told me

"I want to buy my Daddy a beer."

That would be my 21 year old Emily.

2011-03-03T20:56:00.002-06:00

gonna tell you a little story about something that has been on my heart for a few days now... after you read it I would love to hear your reaction.

let me introduce my characters:

D. ... one of Seth's buds. Seth met him at his previous church. D. was not one of "the popular" kids but Seth kind of took him under his wing and made him his friend.
D. is a big boy, football player big, kind of chubby and not great looking but not ugly, abandoned by his Mom and Dad he lives with his Grandma and little sister. D. is two years younger than Seth so he thinks Seth is the coolest thing ever (and I would agree)

church lady... let's see, how to describe her... don't know her at all so all I can do is describe what I have seen and what Seth has told me about her. .... pretty, very pretty in a plastic kind of way.. you know? way too much make-up, exaggerated looking.. overdone.. perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect, perfect, perfect... plastic. married to one of the part time youth leaders, married into one of the families in this church who have money. okay, you got her??

now for my story:

the other day D. put something on his facebook wall and used a cuss word or rather a censored cuss word, this word B***H (bitch).

church lady publicly reprimands him for doing this.

church lady has probably never said ten words to D. the whole time he has gone to church there but feels she has the right to do this because...... (insert your own ideas here but I haven't a clue why she thought this would be okay)

It made Seth sooo angry and he, of course, came to D.'s defense (after telling me about it and reading his reply to me before sending it) This caused a big stink and Seth told them all to go F*** themselves. :)

I stayed out of it, but, I just kept thinking and thinking about it and it just kept bugging me....

D. is a good kid, not perfect, no where close to what they expect him to be as a perfect "christian example" but a good kid with a good heart. He loves and respects his Grandma. He is good to his little sister. He works hard in school and at sports and has a job to help out with his own expenses. He has been a good friend to Seth.. he is one of those friends that would fight a tiger for Seth. AND, instead of encouraging him and supporting him (which as far as Seth knows she has NEVER done)church lady thinks it is okay to make him feel "less than"... like a kid like D. needs???? I'm sure because of his size, his looks, his abandonment issues he sure as hell doesn't need someone to make him feel less than!!!!!!!

I stewed and ranted to Mark and finally talked to Seth again before I did anything but today I wrote D. a short message on facebook,

Here is what I said.......

"Hey, I know this might be weird for you, but, I'm a MOM so I get to...

ever since Seth told me about that shit that Brittany put on your facebook wall the other day, it has been bugging me.
One of the (and mind you I said ONE of) the reasons we quit going to church... high minded, judgmental (or maybe just mental) people always putting other people down for not being perfect Christians when what they really need to do is take a looongg look in the mirror... any.. way... enough of the rant.

I just wanted to tell you that she's full of crap and from what I know of you (through Seth) I think you are one of the good guys. You are good to your family and you've been a good friend to Seth. And just remember that being a "Christian" isn't about how perfect you can look or sound.. it is about your heart - and you have a good one!

Aola
The Mom
Parker "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How does this make you feel? and what would you have done??

2011-03-01T19:00:00.003-06:00

ahhh... the smell of freshly turned dirt and green grass being tilled.

I slept better last than I have in about a week... seven straight hours, WoW, that is a miracle for me. I awoke to sun streaming in the window and feeling ready to get up and get busy. another miracle, for sure.

I did have to wear a jacket, hat,and gloves but it was worth it to get out. I dragged the tiller out of the shed where it has been stored all winter only to discover that my arthritic fingers could not wrap around the pull-rope to start it. I had to get Mark to do it for me, which kind of burns my butt, but, it is what it is.

Got it started, tires aired up, oil checked and off I went to the garden looking like the old bag lady that I am.. still wearing my gown and robe,old funky tennis shoes, hat, coat, and work gloves (quiet a site I am sure)and got busy.

I tilled two of the three sections of my garden, one to be planted with nitrogen fixers (peas), several kinds of greens that I will pick a few of and then till under for green manure. Somehow (I still think my brother did it) morning glories got planted in this section (and I sure as hell didn't do it) and they have to DIE. For several years they just keep coming back and multiplying to the point where they choke out everything I try to plant there. So, this summer... THEY WILL DIE. I will leave the section fallow and just keep tilling it until the morning glories are gone.
The other section(where I have added sand) will be planted in root crops such as radish, onion, potatoes, and the middle section which I didn't till is where my tomatoes, cukes, squash will go. Right now I am piling on the cow manure ... one load unloaded and drying, another load coming soon to be tilled under in a few weeks.

I worked for a couple of hours, the sun got warmed up, I shed my coat and hat. My body was tired but happy. I breathed deeply and was content. Zoe came down determined to help but I convinced her it would be more fun to go look at the pretty flowers blooming in the yard than to play in the cow poop. But, oh how she loves to dig in the dirt.

When we were through we came to house, watched the kitties (The Aristocats) and ate noodles for lunch.

Life is good.

you know you are gettin' old when.........

2011-02-20T15:25:00.003-06:00

I just have to tell you girls this, it was sooo funny. I hope it is not TMI for you :)

but, you know you are gettin old when after an especially rambunctious roll in the hay with my forever lover this afternoon.. you know that kind where you can't move or catch your breath for a minute and then lapse into giggles.... you know you are getting old when you next thought is... SHIT, I should've taken my blood pressure medicine first.

laugh with me

much love and enjoy your afternoon!

2011-02-10T13:22:00.002-06:00

It has been a long couple of weeks around here, but, it looks like our winter storm may finally be coming to muddy end. Thank Goodness!!!

Today I went around behind the studio on the south side and soaked up the sun. I had to pull my hat down over my eyes it was sooo bright... beautiful though it is with the sun making colorful sparkles on the virgin snow, I am glad to see it melt away.

The first week we did pretty much nothing around here except try to keep everything and us from freezing. This week the guys have had to be out of town every day doing an install, so, I've been keeping the home fires burning.

I'm not sure I have ever so looked forward to spring time. I ordered three new gardening books and cannot wait to get started. Walmart should have seeds out soon :)

I promised Ms Em that as soon as the snow was gone and I could push her wheelchair across a parking lot that I would take her out to eat and to do some shopping. Every day she reminds me of that promise.

I love my life.

How is your weather?

there is a storm coming

2011-01-31T20:08:00.003-06:00

Okies are a funny bunch of people or maybe it is just people in general are funny.

The predictions are for snow and ice for the next couple of days and you would think we are going to be snowed in for weeks the way people are acting. Levi and Christi went to Walmart earlier today and he said it was a mad house, the shelves were almost bare and people were in panic mode. I had to run over to Allen this afternoon to pick up a prescription and stopped at the store to get pop and it was the same way.. people lined up with baskets full. I bet Eric (store owner) loves this.

I do it differently. I mean this is Oklahoma and it is good to be prepared for anything.

It used to be that every time it rained our electricity went off, it is better now since they ran new lines about 10 years ago. But, every fall I stock up on a few things like canned soups, canned meat (chicken and tuna), make sure the medicine cabinet is well stocked, a few gallons of water in the pantry, batteries, candles, etc. We have gas heat, gas off of our oil wells, but the gas pressure is pretty unreliable. When it gets really, really cold (of course when you need it most) the pressure goes way down and it is hard to keep the stoves lit. So, several years ago we put a big wood stove in our house as back up. My cookstove is electric but I can cook on either the wood stove or the top of the gas heater. I've done it several times when we needed me to.

One year during an ice storm Charlie and Melissa and her three boys were living here in a house that only had electric heat when the electric went off they came to stay with us. We camped out in the living room, played games, and talked, cooked on the woodstove and had a ball. After 3 days it got kind of old and Mark hooked up one of our generators so we could watch tv. That year the electric was off for 5 days.

Now we have two generators so we can run pretty much everything if we have to.

No one has to drive anywhere and we are pretty much ready for whatever happens.

Maybe we will get lucky and it will stay north of us.

2011-01-25T20:19:00.002-06:00

every time I try to write or even think about writing it just gets all whiny and bitchy and I don't bother...

I am going to try to just report how I am physically without sounding all pitiful..

My BP seems to be level, my pulse stays at about in the 73 -85 beats per minute range and the doc says that is fine. I still have the racing, pounding, tightness in my chest thing going on part of the time. I don't know what it is but it is so intermittent that I try to just ignore it. The new BP medicine makes me feel weird as hell for two or three hours after I take it every day. A friend of mine calls it the Rag Doll syndrome and that pretty much describes it but with other symptoms such as not being able to concentrate and feeling sort of frenzied... weird.
I'm having a hard time coping with it. I try to get as much done in the mornings as I can because my afternoons are shot. I'm tired all the time and wind up sleeping every afternoon for at least an hour or more.

On the up side, I am sleeping better. I am only taking a couple of melatonin at night and sleeping the whole night other than when I have to get up with Emily.

I expect to level out and hopefully get used to the medication. To be honest I am tired, tired, tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, talking about it... I feel like it has consumed me.

Last Friday I did something to my lower back/sciatic nerve area and seriously thought I was going to die the pain was so severe but after a horrible night, finally falling asleep at 5 the next morning and sleeping most of Saturday it felt better.. until yesterday and the pain started again for several hours. All I can figure is that yesterday was the first day I had walked since Friday and that aggravated it again. ????

Overall I just feel like shit, like I am falling apart, my body is failing and there seems to be nothing I can do. It scares me. I'm having panic attacks along with everything else and feel like there is not much hope.

so, there it is. I'm sorry it sounds so negative but I can't make it sound any other way.

Karma - alive and well

2011-01-19T12:01:00.002-06:00

Backstory: you all remember this, I'm sure, since I whined about it for long enough...

Older brother inherits land adjoining mine
Older brother tries to use it as leverage to get what he wants
Older brother CALLS ME and offers it to me for $1,000.00 an acre (more than it is really worth) but I agree and we go to bank and borrow money (costing us $785. in fees)
Older brother changes mind.

Older brother tries to sell it to middle brother for even more money.
Middle brother doesn't bite.

Older brother threatens to sell it to outside party if one of us don't cave.
no one bites

Recently, in the last couple of weeks, Older brother thinks I have forgotten.... and tries to get me to help him sell the land by working with Realtor for him. HA!

emails all ignored

and here we are today.... Realtor shows up at our door wanting to see land. But, dang.. I was out walking and she got to talk to the nice guy that lives with me :)

After about a five minute conversation she told Mark that 1.) Older Brother had already treated her like crap, 2.)She thought he was crazy 3.) She was not going to handle the sale after seeing where the land is. and 4.)He should have taken our offer when he had the chance.

Thank you Karma for being faithful.

2011-01-03T14:49:00.000-06:00

2010-12-25T12:58:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a good day, a busy day. I like busy. I did all my cooking for today, yesterday or most of it anyway. I cleaned. I decorated. I put out all the presents. We had a wonderful time watching Zoe open presents and playing with her and Travace. The big kids liked their gifts, too. We watched movies and just hung out. All in all a pretty perfect day.

but..

in the back of my mind last night... even though I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.. something kept me awake... laying there going over the day...

something is missing.

This morning, up early and right to work preparing a brunch by eleven o'clock.. ham, deviled eggs, boiled eggs, cinnamon rolls, cheesy potatoes, plain rolls for ham sandwiches later, mocha peppermint coffee, and orange juice.

by noon the kids are all off doing their own thing - Em is napping, Seth is upstairs watching a movie I bought him, Levi and family are gone to Christi's Mom's house. Mark is piddling around and I just about have all the Christmas decorations put away.

I sat down here to take a break and there it was in the back of my mind (where I shoved it)nagging at me again.

I have enjoyed this Christmas season more than I have any other in a long while but as much as I try to push it to the back of my mind it is still there...

to me this is a High Holy Day, a high holy season, and I have not taken the time to ponder on that fact.
It is just like me to go from one ditch .. way to the other side.. and into another ditch.

I hate the commercialism of Christmas and for a while tried to make it nothing but a spiritual time (forcing my kids to miss so much of the joyous part of Christmas). I have found a good balance this year of the joyous side of giving, receiving, being family without too much commercialism but I totally left out the spiritual side of Christmas because of my dislike (notice I didn't say HATE this time) of all things religious. GOD, I need balance in my life!!!

I admit, here and now, I need that spiritual aspect of Christmas too.

So, of course I went to Dr.E for guidance and here are some of her posts over the past few days:

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes ~ For many of us, this is our High Holy Day,

These are the hours now, of contemplation on what it means for the Child of Love to be born.

These holy hours are traditionally spent in the way I was taught by the old believers, as considering, encouraging, remembering, praising, hoping... for the survival of the Child of Love, for the times are bad, death and murder afoot everywhere, overtaxation, people forced to flee and become refugees in strange lands..

as is was long ago, it is now too, in terms of not good, and in terms of great good. Brighten your hearts with holiness. At this time in our tradition, there are angels everywhere.

It was said there was a huge star in the heavens, and that this star and angels, ever so many angels, led those with eyes to see, ears to hear to the exact hidden tiny site where slept the radiant Child of Love. This is the time to truly see, to truly hear, to truly behold... and to remember that Love will ever rise again, no matter what is done to it, to us.

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes We are told that the newborn Child of Love is ever linked to Beauty. Wherever there is beauty, you have heard me say, the predator shows up. Yes. And also, and more than equally, wherever there is Beauty, the radiant Child of Love shows up, looking for a room for the night... in the inn of the heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have thought for a long time now that it really doesn't matter to me if Jesus was a real human being, come of a virgin, died on a cross, risen from the grave.. because my logical mind tells me that he was not. But, it doesn't matter to me. The teachings of Jesus, the concept of Jesus is what matters. What is important are the characteristics of Jesus... love, compassion, tolerance, kindness... those things are what is important to me. The connection to a higher power, the knowing that there is more than what I see or understand. The being grateful that it is that way, that I don't have to rely solely on myself.. there is MORE.

I will spend some time today contemplating, meditating, pondering that greatness and being grateful to be connected to that in some way.

2010-12-23T17:04:00.004-06:00

makes no sense, really

we are flat F***ng broke, I mean really. I have depleted my stash. My bank account is looking very sad. I have no savings (that can be touched without penalty). .....

and yet,

all I feel is hopeful and content

I have moments of near panic and sometimes anger creeps in at the circumstances that are beyond our control

but, mostly, I look around me at the life I live, the kids who love me, the husband that remains to be my soulmate after 27 years of the good, the bad, and the ugly

the universe keeps sending me whispers of hope and it sustains me.

White Tārā, also known for compassion, long life, healing and serenity; also known as The Wish-fulfilling Wheel, or Cintachakra ... isn't she lovely?

2010-12-21T10:02:00.003-06:00

Seth and I went out about 12:30 last night to watch the eclipse, at that point from here it just looked like a shadow/or a wispy cloud hanging in front of the moon. It was 64 degrees, clear and a perfect night for sky watching. After a while we got tired of trying to look straight up at the moon and Seth went in to get us a couple of sleeping bags... good idea Seth. We snuggled in and stayed to watch. The eclipse was amazing, being with Seth just hanging out watching it and talking even more amazing..

It was almost at total eclipse at 1:30 and I was getting that sick/tired feeling so we went in. We both popped back out several times to see where it was. After we had been in the house just a few minutes he went out and then came to get me to see... in just that few minutes the atmosphere had changed - it was much colder, darker, and a thick fog had formed.

My last trip outside was at 2:30.. total eclipse.. AMAZING.

Today is winter solstice. I welcome the light.

I am celebrating by giving light (I bought a copy of WWRWW for a new acquaintance)
We are celebrating light (by going to the parade of lights in Ardmore this evening)

and I am doing this today....

the owner of the ballroom's wife is a tattoo artist and they gave me a gift certificate to get my tattoo.

I am so excited.

2010-12-15T18:53:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to report that Levi is better... physically he is better. Whatever sickness he was having is better. When he has physical illness of any kind it escalates in his mind to something life threatening, so, when the symptoms go away he is relieved mentally. His panic attacks have lessened and when it does happen he is able to talk himself down pretty quickly since there is nothing to base the panic on (physical symptoms). We have all come to point of being able to laugh at it - even Levi.

Christmas is upon us - Wow! I am pretty much ready and have been able to enjoy it this year. I still feel guilty about spending money we don't have to spend, but, its kind of like... what the hell. Spreading out the spending over the past four months has helped.

We have our first Christmas dinner this weekend with Jason and Charity and their kids. We are doing Italian for this one

salad
breadsticks (I have been practicing making them - still not as good as Olive Garden, but edible)
baked zita
shrimp fettuccine Alfredo
and tarimisu for dessert

We will open presents on Christmas Eve and order in pizza.

Christmas Day I will make brunch and then Levi and family will be going to Christi's Mom's to cook Christmas dinner for her family. Levi is the resident cook for Christi's family since no one else in her family can cook or even likes to cook so they gladly step aside and let Levi have it.

I have had a blast buying lots of small fun toys for Zoe. For her big present I bought her an artists table and chair for her room - small pink table with formica top and a roller that holds art paper and a push scooter. Travace is getting mostly clothes, one toy, and his big present is the 2010 proof set of coins. I always buy the kids their birth year coins. Everyone else has their set plus a Walking Liberty silver dollar from their birth year. That will be for his 1st birthday. Emily is as much fun to buy for as the little kids because she gets so excited and it doesn't matter what you buy her - she LOVES it!! Of course, I bought her a ton of movies, new pj's, a new purse stuffed completely full of more stuff... the girl loves her stuff!! The adult kids get money... makes them happy.

So, tell me about your Christmas. I love to hear what you are doing.

2010-12-06T21:30:00.002-06:00

Today has not been a good day.

My family is stressed to the max and I just don't know what might happen.

This is always our slow time of year in our businesses, this year worse than usual. We have been broke for so long now that there is just no reserve left - no reserve money, no reserve fortitude. Mark has himself to that point of being sick all the time, again and now it is affecting Levi in the same way. But, he doesn't handle it as well as his Dad. He was sick all last week with some sort of bug turned sinus infection. Levi has very definite OCD tendencies which leads to anxiety and lately panic attacks.

This morning at five twenty as Mark was getting ready to leave on his route, Levi came to the door. He didn't look good. He had woken up again having a panic attack and his blood pressure was at stroke level. Christi was taking him to the ER. I went to their house to stay with the babies.

They were home in a couple of hours, pretty quick for our ER. The doctor diagnosed him with panic disorder.

We all got a little sleep but then mid afternoon he had another attack. Between Christi and I we were able to talk him through it. I suggested that we work together on a project to keep him occupied and tire him out a little. So, we tore their kitchen apart and cleaned.

We are all exhausted, don't feel well, and worried about where this will end up.

On his last trip to my house tonight (and there have been many today) we discussed a plan of action for tonight. He hasn't slept well in several nights because of waking up in a panic. I gave him something to help him sleep and told him that if he wakes up at least now he knows it is not something physically wrong with him and we talked about ways for him to work through it.

I have to trust that he is strong of mind and body and together we can get him through this.

2010-11-28T22:11:00.002-06:00

I may be older and wiser, more experienced in life, but, Levi is smarter than me in every way. I love spending time with him, we can discuss a subject until we wear it completely out. He and I connect on a spiritual level and that is usually where we wind up in our conversations.

Today he came over and I don't remember what about our conversation prompted it but we decided to talk a walk to the back part of our land. I haven't been back there in several years. We followed deer trails and tracks, found spots where animals have been sleeping, we found a couple of pines the deer have been rubbing on - one that they have the bark almost completely off of. Hopefully next spring I will find antlers there. We came up behind the damn deer stand on our property line and gave who ever put it there a good cussing.... if only they had been there to hear it.

Usually on a walk like this, if we were alone, there would have been conversation with nature/Mother earth and time taken to stop and sit and meditate/pray/speak but I guess we are just not that comfortable with doing it together.

It is a very personal moment and still feels a little stiff (and maybe a touch weird to us after being churched for so long).

It was a good walk though.

I spent the rest of my day doing what I do best - piddling.

I made a pot of soup.

I picked up a few pecans.

I watched Mark work on the bus.

I swept a floor or two.

I dragged out my Christmas decorations and put some of them out... I have never put up Christmas decorations this early and not sure why I did today. It just felt right.

Then decided I wanted more and made a quick trip to Walmart to buy another pre-lit tree, some Christmas candy for my pretty little red bowls, some deer corn and two NO TRESPASSING signs

and oh yeah, the Elvis Presley Christmas CD. It was Trudy's favorite. This is the first time in 17 years I have been able to listen to it. I was able to listen and think about her with a smile in my heart instead of falling apart. That was nice.

It has been a wonderful holiday, gonna be hard getting back into our routine.

so, like Cara said "Coffee UP" and get busy tomorrow.

2010-11-24T12:53:00.000-06:00

much love and Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!!!

2010-11-21T10:09:00.001-06:00

So, tell me about your Thanksgiving plans. I love to hear how you celebrate.

2010-11-20T13:04:00.002-06:00

The guys (Mark, Levi, Seth, and James) have all gone to work at the ballroom. Some old "has been" is there tonight. He is a pain in the ass to work with, he hasn't produced anything new in 25 years but he still draws a good crowd. He reminds me of the movie Crazy Heart. But, it pays well and right now Mark is taking everything little (or big) thing he can get.
Yesterday he helped install a home theater system in a half-million dollar house boat... wouldn't you think a $500,000. dollar boat would come with a home theater??

Christi and the kids have gone to her Mom's for the day so it is very quiet around here. Em is still sleeping.

I have been piddling at some cleaning - I actually mopped the kitchen floor. (my most hated job) and, baking for tomorrow. I have one pumpkin pie finished and cooling, one pecan in the oven and getting ready to put together the banana pudding Mark asked for.
Tomorrow I will cook a 20 pound turkey, make dressing, cranberry salad, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and heat up some rolls (I just didn't think I would have it in me to do homemade rolls with all the other stuff I was doing).

If it were up to Mark he would just take me out to dinner on Thanksgiving Day and we'd be done with it.

We tried that one year but it just made me sad.

I love cooking this meal and I am a firm believer in NOT messing with the traditional Thanksgiving meal... nothing fancy or foodie.. just turkey and dressing.

This year I arranged our schedule so that we could have Jason and Charity here with us for our dinner and then the actual day will be free for Levi and Christi to go to her family's get together. I don't mind doing our dinners at odd times, her family all works and can only do their holidays on the days they have off and I get to be with my family every day, so, it is no big deal.

I have two movies to watch this weekend - Ramona and Beevis for Emily and I to watch together and the Last Airbender. Not sure when I will do that.. football tonight.

Hope you guys are having a wonderful weekend.

2010-11-18T15:43:00.002-06:00

The issue has been resolved.

I was actually able to keep my mouth shut... for the most part. I did voice my concerns and let Seth know that I didn't think it was a good move for what that was worth (pretty much nothing)

But, I didn't blow up.

and, it seems as if the Universe took care of it for me. After a lot of back and forth between Seth, his buddy, and the girlfriend Seth decided it was just too much drama for him and put an end to the conversation.

I'm happy about it.

When the time is right, say next summer when he is 18 and busy being a rock star, I will be behind his getting his own place and becoming more independent. I will always hold a place in his life and I want to be able to support him in his decisions... when they are good ones. :)

2010-11-16T22:12:00.003-06:00

My emotions are just off the freaking chart tonight. I hate, let me re-state that... I HATE DRAMA.

Saturday night Seth went to spend the night with a buddy who has his own apartment in Ada. He is a good kid and I trust Seth so this was no big deal. But, my instincts told me something was up and I told Mark.. "he's gonna come home and ask to move in with Dakotah." sure 'nuf, Sunday night he rolls in, comes to the office (our spot to talk) and told me he wanted to move out.

I knew it was coming so at least I wasn't taken by surprise. We discussed what all that would entail and I told him if that is what he really wanted to do I wouldn't try to stop him although I didn't think it was a good idea and that the timing is not right.

By Monday night I felt like my heart would break as he cleaned his room and picked out things to take with him. At one point I went upstairs to talk while he worked but fell apart as soon as I got up there and had to leave.

But... since then Dakotah has been dragging his feet about the move, pretty much ignoring Seth's calls. He finally told Seth that his girlfriend wasn't happy about Seth moving in. (she doesn't live there) and then tonight he called Seth and asked to come over. I'm hoping that Dakotah tells him he has changed his mind about letting Seth move in.

I asked Seth this afternoon if he would be okay if that happened and he didn't seem to bothered by the possibility. I told him then that I would prefer that he wait until he turns 18 next August and has some time to save up some money for the move.

So, now we are smack in the middle of this teenage drama and thinking about it tonight I AM JUST ANGRY.. everything about it makes me angry. The fact that Seth is such a selfish, stupid teenager makes me furious. stupid, stupid teenagers.

It is probably a good thing he is spending the night because the way I feel right now I would probably blow up and say things I regretted.....

stupid, stupid, stupid...

This is one of those days that I wish I had never had kids.

2010-11-14T20:49:00.002-06:00

Not much changes in my life. I have lived in the same place with the same man, had the same address and phone number for twenty-seven years.

I was just reading a blog I used to frequent (but haven't read in a while) to learn that she is getting a divorce.

I read between the lines of a friend on facebook and feel like her marriage is on the rocks but I don't ask because if she wanted to talk about it she would...

I'm old and boring and like it that way.

I'm that comfortable old pair of shoes or that pair of sweats you really ought to throw away but you just can't part with.

The only thing that changes in my life is my kids. Seth is all but gone.
Mark and I talked tonight about how to adjust our life so that he and I can once again learn to be husband and wife instead of just Mom and Dad. We talked about the fun things we like to do together and how to make that happen. He got busy on the bus.
I'm looking forward to this next chapter of my life, in fact, I'm really really looking forward to it.

2010-11-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

Zoe Beth will be two years old on Sunday. It feels like she has been with us forever, I can't imagine life without her.

She has completely moved on from the baby regression stage, learning new words every day, putting together short sentences, learning colors and body parts. She is funny and fun to be around. She takes her Daddy on long walks every day. She and I sit in the garden path and pull marigold seeds off the plants and she scatters them in my garden for me. I tell her she is my garden fairy. She is my nature girl. When we cut down some trees the other day cleaning up a fence row, she went to the tree after it was down and patted it and said "uh-oh" We thanked the tree for giving us firewood to keep us warm.

I am so blessed to have them so close. I get to see her almost every day. I am watching her grow up from a different viewpoint than I did with my own kids. It is different just watching (and oh so much easier!)

We will have her birthday party on Saturday.. chicken nuggets and french fries, cupcakes and ice cream and presents.

2010-11-03T21:51:00.002-05:00

Mark's favorite:

Brown 4-6 cube steaks in a little oil. salt, pepper, garlic.
Add 1/2 onion sliced thinly and 2 stalks of diced celery
2 or 3 diced carrots
1 T Worcestershire sauce
1 can diced tomatoes

mash the tomatoes to release the juice

cover and cook for about 20 minutes

serve over rice

we call it Swiss Steak.

2010-11-02T21:05:00.003-05:00

Sitting here looking at the calendar thinking about the events of this month. It seems like we stay so busy all the time .. you would think we would have some money to show for all the work we do.

Christi's 25 birthday is Saturday, the 6th. Levi will be working with Mark at the ballroom that day and Friday they will be in OKC at a new venue, so, we are going to have her birthday dinner on Thursday night.

Here's the menu:

bacon wrapped filet mignon
garlic mashed potatoes
seasoned green beans
homemade hot rolls

(dang, I forgot to order the cake today... hang on a minute while I write myself a note...... okay, done)

and birthday cake.

Next Monday we have to make the trip to Ardmore to see Emily's dentist... boo.

Zoe's birthday is the 14th, which is also Christi's brother's birthday and they want to combine the two... Zoe will get sick of that as she grows up, huh? We will do her birthday party here on Friday or Saturday (waiting on Mark to confirm which day he will be home)

Her menu is:

chicken nuggets
French Fries
Cake

her favorite foods.

she may not get any presents because every time I buy her something I wind up giving it to her as soon as we get home. I am horrible at keeping surprises and secrets.

Then, of course, there is Thanksgiving. more food. no wonder I am so fat.
I'm thinking I will do a turkey this year, I usually do ham, but I think I will just do the traditional turkey and dressing and of course all the fixings. Really don't know why I bother because, of course, Levi and Christi will be at her Mom's.

hmmm... I may do it on the Sunday before and invite Jason and Charity to come out since they couldn't make it for our Halloween party.

sounds like a plan.

I'm off to make lists ....

thanks for listening.

FYI - old drunk women are funny

2010-10-30T12:20:00.002-05:00

The CD release party was a mixture of emotions for me. I've kind of gotten over the whole OMG-my-son's-in-a-band now feeling and can just enjoy watching him.
The venue was a nice place. It is huge old barn that has been fixed up for partying. The upstairs is really nice - fireplace, large bar and kitchen, 6 bedrooms - they call it the VIP room. Down stairs it is a barn. period. The band was set up downstairs and I froze all night long. There is a nice fire pit outside but unless you were sitting on top of the freaking fire it didn't help any. So, I drank whiskey to take the edge off. I'm not much of a drinker so two Crown and cokes and I was feeling a little nauseated.

The band did good. Seth was awesome. The guitar player seems to have a little trouble staying on track with what Tildon is doing which really sounds odd.. when he just goes off into something else. I guess he is trying to add lead parts but it sounds like he is just playing a different song,which is just strange.

I don't think they had nearly as many people show up as they expected, mostly a middle aged crowd of family and family friends. Lots of women Tildon's mom's age and they were partying hard. Those women can drink and they were just having a blast. dancing, whooping, and hollering... and drinking!

Seth had his own bedroom in the VIP lounge. He was the first band member to get to pick and he chose the smallest room (he is so thoughtful and sweet) because everyone else had their wives with them. It was a nice room though, cowboy themed.

We left about 11 o'clock when the band took their first break. I was tired of being cold and didn't want to drink any more so didn't see much point in staying.

The band will play again tonight for the ranch's annual Halloween party. I hope they have a much bigger crowd and sell lots of CD's tonight.

Mark and Levi left this morning about 11:00 to go to the Ballroom. huge party there tonight, but, I'm gonna stay home and watch football and do pretty much nothing at all.

Hope you guys have a safe and fun weekend.

Down Home Cooking

2010-10-28T16:20:00.003-05:00

White Bean soup ( I kind of just made this up as I went and it turned out really good)

wash and soak overnight
2 cups of white beans

dice two slices of bacon into a large pot or dutch oven,
rinse and drain your beans and add to pot
cover with water
add salt and pepper to taste

cook 2 - 3 hours or until almost done

Add diced carrots and two cups chicken stock and a can of diced tomatoes
Bring to a boil and cook 10 minutes

While that is boiling
dice a slab of ham into cubes and fry in a tiny bit of oil with a half a chopped onion and 1 stalk of diced celery
dump the ham, onions, and celery into the pot with the beans

add a cup of small pasta (elbows or shells or whatever)

cook 10 more minutes and move off the heat.

Now that is comfort food.

2010-10-25T21:38:00.003-05:00

I don't remember exactly what triggered it, but, about mid-day I had the sudden urge to clean out the bus. It has been used as a storage shed for the past 3 years. Seeing as how I feel the need to redecorate Emily's room about twice a year there were about 10 sets of comforter/bedspreads/pillows/shams etc. etc. etc.
So, I dragged a couple of tables out by where the trailer is sitting on the right-of-way next to the highway and started putting them out there. I had sold about half of it before I even had it all out. There was some cute stuff and I sold it really cheap. Mainly I just wanted rid of it and this was easier than loading it all up to take to the Salvation Army. I have some more things from the storage shed around back and Seth has a few things he wants to put out so I guess we will do it again tomorrow. I picked a bad day to decide to have a sale... the wind was blowing about 50mph. I bet I put the stuff back on the tables 20 times. silly me.

I'm feeling good. I'm still just waiting to see how I feel in another week or so. It takes that long for the new medication to really take effect, but, so far, so good.

I need new shoes to walk in. I pushed a little harder today during my mile and it really made my lower back and knees hurt.

We are soooo freaking broke right now it is scary, but, I refuse to get all bent out of shape about it. Mark is doing all that he can possibly do to make a living and I just have faith that it will all work out. I had to take money out of our stash to pay bills this week, thank goodness I had it there to use is all I can say.

Lots of parties going on this weekend. Seth will be playing Friday and Saturday nights. Friday night is Tildon's CD release party, Saturday night is the Fossil Creek Ranch annual Halloween Party. Fossil Creek is a resort/ranch south of Ada... very nice place. The band will be staying in the VIP lounge (6 big bedrooms, kitchen, bar, fireplace) all weekend. He is being treated like a Rock Star!! and loves it!!

Mark, Em, and I are going to the CD release party. I can hardly believe we are actually going to get to go somewhere together where Mark isn't working.

Then Saturday night Mark and Levi will be headed to the Arbuckle Ballroom for their Halloween Jam Fest. I think I will stay home and watch the ballgame that night.

Do you guys have any Halloween party plans?

BOO!!!

2010-10-23T13:04:00.002-05:00

Doctor Jeff.. well, Dr. Jeff isn't even a real doctor. He is a PA who has been given a clinic to run without, as far as I can tell, much supervision from the doctor who is supposed to be there (that I have never even seen). Dr. Jeff doesn't listen well. Dr. Jeff knows it all, you know, so he doesn't listen to what his patients tell him.

The nurse actually rolled her eyes when I told her that drinking too much or the accumulation of liquids by the end of the day was the trigger to my heart racing.

He, Dr. Jeff, changed my blood pressure medicine from Atenolol (sp?) to Lopressor, from 50mg a day to 50mg twice a day. It was a good change. The Atenolol made me feel like crap. If I took it during the day I would just have to go to be bed for a couple of hours and my body never adjusted to it... another eye roll from Dr. Jeff this time when I told him that. The Lopessor is keeping my BP regulated and it doesn't make me feel bad (BP is still a little high, but hoping the extra dose will take care of that over the next couple of weeks).

BUT, I am still having the tightness, the pounding, the racing especially in the evenings. This morning was the first time it has done it in the morning.

So, I guess my next step will be to find out what kind of tests they will actually run to find out about Congestive Heart Failure and look into getting that done.

Right now, I am trying to figure out how to pay this week's bills so I don't know how soon that will happen.

2010-10-21T18:23:00.002-05:00

Last night while the moon was high and round
she called to me
to come and listen to the night
as it became a wild night

I went out into the empty space
that I go to be with La Luna

I closed my eyes so that I could hear
and she said "NO"

you need to listen with your eyes and your heart wide open

to the southwest an old dog penned or chained barked to be set free
to the far south the song dogs sang and chanted and taunted the
penned up, chained up dogs
on my eastern side down in the wood by the creek
a barred owl is showing off his beautiful voice and
getting a little crazed by his own sounding like a mad monkey
he gets louder and louder and whooshes off into the night

the air is clean and cool
I stand and listen
listen with my heart
hoping to know what they know about being free
and wild

the songs dogs to the south have moved very close
the yapping has become frenzied
they must have made a kill
and they are very, very close

I don't want to leave
but I do

I want to be wild and free, but, more often than not I chose to be safe and warm.

next time, maybe next time I will chose to stay.

2010-10-20T12:17:00.002-05:00

Went to the doctor this morning specifically because my blood pressure has been consistently high for a week or more. We discussed my heart issues and he seems to believe that the problem is that my BP medication is wearing off in the evenings and causing all the racing/pounding. I know that congestive heart failure is (usually) caused by untreated high blood pressure so I guess that makes sense. He changed my blood pressure medication and upped the dosage from 50mg to 100mg. I'm not sure that this is the correct way to go but we will give it a try to see if it corrects the problem and I will continue to do what I am doing - walking, eating better, etc., can't hurt.

2010-10-17T12:12:00.004-05:00

an issue of the heart

I am pretty sure, well, I am almost certain that I have congestive heart failure and before you yell at me I will tell you that I am not going to the doctor. I know exactly what he would say...lose 50 pounds... exercise... limit your salt and fluids.. take an aspirin every day.

As sad as it is in a country like America, the thing I worry about the most is getting sick and not being able to afford proper care and I will do everything I can to not bankrupt my family.

So, I am trying, once again, to better control my diet. I am walking every day. I am taking supplements. I have cut way back (on my way to completely doing away with) on the pretzels :) and even limiting fluids... (BOO on that one).

In a few weeks I am going to go to the clinic and have a blood test for anemia... that is the easiest (and cheapest) thing I can do to try to find out exactly what is causing my heart to race and pound like it does.

We will go from there.

2010-10-14T15:42:00.003-05:00

Something was just off, you know. That feeling where you just know that "things" aren't right?? The past few days, well about a week now, something has been really bugging me. For one thing, my heart has been giving me fits.. pounding, racing wildly,then being fine. That's enough to set me on edge but it was more than that. It's been one of those weeks were nothing, absolutely nothing, went right. Lots of breakdowns and things just not working out the way they should, not just for me but for Mark especially which sends him into STRESS OVERDRIVE and that effects everyone around here!

I walked and talked. I've sat and thought. I've meditated and pondered. I've sat in the sun and basked. I've sat in my circle and asked for guidance.

This morning I went to Dr. E's facebook page and re-read thru some older posts and found this:

——————————————–

I AM NOT NEEDED THERE … FIRE, GIVE ME FIRE!

I am not needed.

There are enough scholars

arguing both or all sides of everything.

(I always laugh when I hear about “equal time”

as though there are only two sides.

There are thousands of sides to everything.)

I am not needed there.

There are enough etymologists.

There are others who can use the beautiful words

like nosology, tautology,

eschatology, exegesis, and omphalos—

(not to mention syzygy)

even though only five-thousand people worldwide

know what those words really mean.

I am not needed there.

There are ever so many beautiful singers,

whose voices are sweet or clear or powerful.

And though I love to feel them play my bones,

I am not needed there either.

There are more than enough people busy

stirring the pot, taking the high road,

knowing all the short cuts,

calling more cooks to supervise the broth,

adding more coals to the fire.

There are more than enough

who spin evolutionary ideas,

who add more to the heap,

who fill everything that needs filling,

and who are emptying

all the things that they believe are in dire

need of emptying.

There are enough rolling stones,

enough birds in the bushes

(though far fewer in the hand).

There are enough of all these.

I am not needed there.

But down at the back of the house at dark,

leaning over the great stone sharpening wheel,

my old broken shoes fitted to the rusted pedals,

I can make my legs go forever.

I can make my legs go forever.

I can make my legs go forever.

I press the steel blade

of every dull knife—

not hard against hard,

but tender against hard, just right—

against this spinning stone. I make

fly everywhere in the night,

showers of sparks, the little fires

that catch often enough,

and just right

on various dry old tears,

and old useless memories

stacked as crisp papers

in some forlorn attic

under the hairline soffits or

in the cornices of the heart.

And this fire

sets ablaze whatever is needing

warmth…

This fire sets ablaze

And burns away

whatever is no longer needed.

Here I have found my place.

Here, I have found my place.

Here I am needed

at this great stone wheel

that cannot turn by itself,

but only by the bones and blood

of the hands and the legs

that can hold to it,

that can hold to it,

that can hold to it.

Working long, tiring, resting,

Working long, tiring, resting,

Working long, tiring, resting,

coming back

once more.

Fire! Give me fire!

More! Fire!

Again!

Again!

… Showers of sparks, everywhere!

________________________________________________________

It gave me some insight into not letting myself get involved in things that don't really concern me (there has been a lot of busyness around here lately with the studio/record label, new band thing)

It gave me a remembering to stick to "my part" and not be pulled into other people's drama.

It helped remind me of what and who is important.

So, I offered to keep Zoe this morning while Christi ran to town and she took me for a walk. I let her lead and she just walked and walked and walked. If I stopped she would look at me over her shoulder, make this pitiful face, wave her hand and me and say "lets go"! We stopped and touched trees. We sat on the ground. We pulled leaves from branches. We picked flowers and shooed bugs away.
Then we came to the house and watched Tinker Bell.

This afternoon things are feeling a little more correctly aligned in my world.

2010-10-12T10:56:00.003-05:00

The hardest lessons in life to learn or to teach are life lessons. How to allow your innocent, never even been kissed, son to be free to be around things and people he has never experienced. Dope smokers. Drunks. Wild women. How for me to teach him and him to learn about balance, moderation. How to teach him that a little freedom is not bad but doing things that would hurt yourself or others is. How to teach him to accept other people and their behavior and not be judgmental.

Ahh... still the letting go. Knowing that he is going to make mistakes, maybe even really big, really stupid mistakes. Trying not to be over-protective but still supportive and strong for him.

It, my friends, is a tigt-rope walk.

2010-10-10T12:25:00.003-05:00

Like I've said before I am pretty good at detaching myself from my emotions because as far as I'm concerned emotions tend to get in the way of doing what is right (sometimes). But, every once in a while my emotions come up from behind and slap me silly.

Yesterday for example. I am struggling to get Emily in and out of the van, push her wheelchair two blocks downhill, finding a spot where she will be out of the sun and comfortable but can still see her brother. I got her settled, got my camera out of the bag, get my lenses changed, explain to Emily that I am going away from her to get pictures of Brother. The band is just getting started and I snap my first picture of Seth in action behind his drums and BAM!! sucker-punched!!! The emotion just overwhelmed me and the tears came... DAMN. I snap a few pictures and just go sit down by Em so I don't embarrass myself and Seth.

It was awful. It was hot. The bandstand was out in the direct sun and it was HOT. The PA was two little 10" speakers on a pole, no monitors, it sucked sooo bad. The speakers couldn't handle the band so they were rattling and farting so bad you could not even understand Tildon. The band had no monitors so they couldn't hear where Tildon was.. makes it a little hard to follow.

I talked with Seth after the first set and he was doing okay, he knew he was playing good (and he was) even if the sound was bad. He was happy.

After the second set they loaded up their equipment and headed to Uncertain Texas (5 hour drive) to play at the Boo Rally (motorcycle rally).

I can't wait to talk to him again to see how that one went, to hear about the lake house they are staying in, if he caught any fish this morning (when he found out they were staying at the lake he packed his fishing pole :) Today they are headed to Shreveport to stay at Tildon's place down there until tomorrow.

He is a traveling man.

2010-10-07T09:41:00.003-05:00

The music business, just like anything else, is about hard work, paying dues, and taking advantage of what opportunities lay before you.
Tildon had a pretty good drummer, an older guy that has a good job but enjoyed playing in a band on weekends (when he had time) but when he heard what Seth laid down in the studio and how quickly he did it, when he saw the kind of hard work and passion that Seth puts into his music he just had to have Seth as his drummer. So, when the (other) drummer showed up the last practice unprepared and clueless, Tildon fired him and Seth became the new drummer! That happened on Tuesday, their first gig is Saturday afternoon. Tildon emailed ua a set list, Seth downloaded all the songs from itunes to his ipod and had them learned by Tuesday night. Last night Tildon called and asked if Seth could be ready to go to Texas after the gig Saturday afternoon.

Well, yeah.

so... first gig Saturday afternoon in Ada at Ada Main Street downtown Autumn Days Festival, then pack it up, head to Uncertain Texas (right on the Texas/Louisiana border to play that night.

I'd say we are off and running.

Of course, we had to do some shopping to buy the Rock Star some new Rock Star clothes... (OMG I love Buckle online - they have an option to shop by outfit that is soooo cool)and now Mom is washing the Rock Star's clothes and Dad is busy looking for drum (road) cases.

I can't tell you the times that we had the conversation..."I wish I had a band." "I wish I had someone to play with" "I want to be on stage playing."

me... "it will happen, all in due time, just give it time and let it happen"

I asked him the other night how he felt now that was here. He kind of thought about that a minute and said "I will tell you after this weekend."

So, we are off and running, writing a new chapter in both of our books of life. His of his life as a rock star. Mine as a Mom that is sending off her last child into the world.

letting go... OH, NOES!!

2010-09-29T12:54:00.002-05:00

You raise your sons to be strong, independent, competent. You pray for them to make the most of their God-given talents, to be able to live a life that is meaningful.... but, OMG, when it comes time for that to happen WHAT DO YOU DO???

We all love the new guy we signed to our little indie record label. You know, one of those people you just instantly like and feel like you have known forever. Hell, I'm already treating him like one of my kids (he said that was okay, especially if that means he gets to come eat with us). He is talented, personable, driven, and seemingly has his head screwed on straight. He is 35 years old and has already dealt with a lot of the issues that younger musicians struggle with. He is very happily married to an equally adorable young woman. AND, he has asked Seth to be his full time drummer.

drum roll, please....

This means me letting Seth go.

Tildon is playing in Oklahoma,Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas and his goal is to be playing at least 10 gigs a month.

Seth would be gone,on the road, with Tildon and band days at a time, long distances, without Dad around.

At first I was excited about it, then the reality of it hit me and it sort of freaked me out. So, of course, I sat Seth down to talk.

"you know this means you will be gone for days at a time without any of us around?"

"you know this means we will have to push to get school done so you can take your GED and be free to do this?"

you know, don't you that your Mama is freaking out on the inside right now...

he looks at me and says "you know I will be doing what I have dreamed of doing, what I have been working towards for 9 years?"

who made him so damn smart???

so... I suppose this thing is fixing to happen (deep breathing from this side of the computer).. Tildon is going to try to ease out of the current drummer and into Seth being full time so I don't know how long it will actually be before he goes full time, but, I have a feeling it will be too soon for me and not nearly quick enough for Seth.

say a little prayer for me :)

2010-09-25T16:21:00.002-05:00

I have to allow myself to think about things that hurt. I mean, I have to consciously let it happen, otherwise my brain pushes the thoughts out as fast as they appear and doesn't allow me to think or feel.

Yesterday,on her birthday, I allowed myself to think about my sister. I even allowed myself to think about the awful way I treated her in the end. It was ugly. I was, maybe for the first time, completely honest with myself about how that felt. It hurts.

She had started going back to church long before I did. She was going to church and attending a home Bible study a couple of years before me. In fact it was she who kept encouraging me to "get my life straight".

I didn't think she was crazy, I just didn't want anything to do with it and told her so.

But, eventually, as you all know, I did give in to religion and boy-oh-boy when I did it was katy-bar-the-door. I'm thinking she had wished she left in me in my sin.

Trudy became a "normal" Christian - you know, the kind that goes to church once a week, she attended a home Bible study at her sister-in-laws house occasionally and made an attempt to straighten up her life... she gave up her lover of over ten years, slowed down her drinking, and tried to be a better wife. All that got her was her being alone and miserable and her sorry ass husband taking advantage of her.

I on the other hand became a freaking raging religious maniac. In just a short time I was telling her how she needed to "get on board" and stop being a lukewarm Christian. In my ignorance I let religion come between us. It is the only time in our lives that we ever disagreed on anything.

When we found out she was sick, I felt like she was not being faithful enough or believing enough or some shit like that and I was angry with her for not having faith enough to get healed. I abandoned her. I had three babies, Seth was just months old, Em was three, Levi six and I used them as an excuse not to have time for Trudy. She died thinking I didn't care.

There it is.. the honest truth. I wasn't there and she died thinking I didn't care.

And, I don't know how to stop beating myself up for it. I can't fix it. I can't ask her to forgive me. I can't make it up to her. I can't undo it.

I just have to live with it.

I don't know how to find forgiveness.

THINGS I LOVE

2010-09-24T15:09:00.002-05:00

Things I LOVE

clean..

clean clothes, clean house, any thing that smells clean

sheets off of the clothesline
rain

vanilla, everything vanilla

vanilla syrup
vanilla tea
vanilla candles
vanilla rum
vanilla ice cream

well used words

books
the smell and feel of a book in my hands
the smell of ink on paper

well cooked food
cooking food well

a perfect cheesecake
yeast bread
the feel of silky pizza dough as I toss it hand to hand

my apron

the feeling of capturing something surprising in a photo

silence
peace
alone time

the look Emily gives me when she wants me to know she loves me beyond what her words can tell me

that moment when Zoe falls asleep in my arms and I feel her relax and get heavy against my chest

watching girls fall all over themselves when my boys walk by.. that is sooo good!

thunderstorms
that feeling of knowing that Mother Nature is so much more powerful than we could ever imagine to be and knowing that we are at her mercy.

that moment when the wind comes before the rain, it rips threw the trees across the highway and then hits me full force as I sit on the bench out front waiting, waiting breathing a sigh of relief as the summer heat melts away at least for a moment

looking around to see that my dog Rufus and I both have our noses up in the wind breathing as deeply as we can.

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I could go on and on forever... now you do a few...

2010-09-22T20:04:00.003-05:00

It was getting dark and a little hard to see the circle of mushrooms... but, it is there.

2010-09-22T20:03:00.001-05:00

2010-09-22T19:59:00.001-05:00

2010-09-22T19:57:00.001-05:00

2010-09-22T18:50:00.002-05:00

wikipedia:

A fairy ring, also known as fairy circle, elf circle, elf ring [1] or pixie ring, is a naturally occurring ring or arc of mushrooms
Fairy rings also occupy a prominent place in European folklore as the location of gateways into elfin kingdoms, or places where elves gather and dance

Okay, I am fixing to erase all doubt in your mind that I am crazy, that or blessed :)

Back story:

Years ago I discovered a circle of trees in one of our fields and felt drawn to that place. So, I started mowing the circle, first with the brush hog, then after a while I could do it with my lawn mower and now it looks prettier than my yard. About two years ago I started going there to meditate or just sit as it is adjacent to my walking trail and a nice shady place to rest. Then I had a dream one night where three Native American men walked (you know the scene where the men walk shoulder to shoulder out of the mist - yeah, that one) up to me and told me it was a healing circle. So, somewhere in my mind the healing circle also become a fairy circle and I started leaving little offerings for the fairies. I made a fairy alter out of stone where I put shiny things, a hawks feather I found, a pair of deer antlers my dog brought home as a present. I hung a couple of wind chimes and a couple of lanterns. I built a fire pit with a circle of stones so the kids and I can sit by the fire and talk into the night. (Mark thinks I'm crazy as a bed bug and never comes)One night Levi and I did a Native American blessing ceremony that was beautiful along with burning cedar and speaking to the spirits of the four winds.

Okay, here's the clincher.... Seth had changed out his drum heads and was going to throw away the old ones. I kept one of them and made a dream catcher out of it(rawhide strips, wooden beads, shells and feathers - very pretty) I took it down to the circle the other day and hung it one of the trees facing in to the circle and asked that it keep our dreams in the circle from getting away)Just a little while ago I went down to prepare the fire for tonight's fall equinox burn and to my delight I found a fairy circle had popped up around the tree where I hung the dream catcher!!!! And, just to make sure this was validated, I came and got Levi so he could also see the fairy circle ( circle of mushrooms all the way around the perimeter of the tree, probably 20 feet in diameter!)

I almost cried.

and another really funny note - Emily and I had just finished watching the new Tinker Bell movie....

I feel delightfully crazy and silly and blessed all at the same time.

I do believe. I do believe. I do believe. I do believe.

Random (slightly crazed) stuff

2010-09-19T21:32:00.003-05:00

Tonight when Mark and Levi were dumping the crab boil pot into the strainer, they lost control and Mark spilled boiling water all down the front of himself. Looks bad.

When I forget to take my crazy pills, by the end of the day I itch so bad I feel like I could rip my skin off.

I wonder if menopause symptoms ever go away or get better, I wonder if I will ever be able to relax or concentrate again. I'm tired of feeling so antsy and nervous all the time. I would like to sit still.

The moon is beautiful tonight.

Planning a trip is hard. I want to take Zoe to the zoo in Ft Worth for her birthday, but, the hotel I wanted to stay in doesn't have the rooms available that I wanted - 2 1/2 months in advance??

I'm tired of being broke.

I'm not sure I want to get the tattoo. I mean, I want to get the tattoo, I just don't want to spend the money to get the tattoo.

I'm getting a haircut Tuesday.

I need to remember to make Emily an eye appointment.

Sometimes just out of the blue, all of a sudden I feel so sad that I could cry, but, I don't know why.

I'm tired of hot weather. I want it to be cooler.

I have so many things I want to do in the yard.

I think we are going to sell our bus. Mark is never going to get it fixed - he is just not physically able to do much anymore except the work he has to do to make a living.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And, there you have it. This is the way my mind works... round and round and round... until I feel so dizzy/crazy I could scream. My only relief is when I take my sleeping pills at night and knock myself out.

2010-09-14T15:22:00.002-05:00

I think we are seeing a turn in Zoe's attitude. Travace,like Zoe did, has started exerting his independence early and does not want to held all the time, but, prefers being put in his crib or the playpen to play and sleep by himself, which, has freed Christi up to be more available to Zoe. It is making a difference in her. She is talking and responding a little more freely, the potty training is at least being worked on. The other day she went and got her Mommy by the hand and dragged her into the bathroom so she would put her on the potty. She still gets Trav's pacifier out of his crib when she is at the house with me and I let her suck on it... it is less and less and usually when I don't make a fuss about it she just throws it down.

Levi reports that she is responding better to their play "school" time, repeating words more freely. I've noticed in just the last few days that when she comes to the house she isn't asking for the tv as much. She is willing to play with me more without much fussing.

Our lives for the past week have seemingly been one freaking disaster after another.
The fire which threw us for days afterward. We've had to buy a new trailer we weren't ready to buy. We are having problems with equipment we installed at a local church and getting the run-around from the manufacturer.
So, to say the least, it has been a stressful week or so.

I am ready for something to go RIGHT for a change.

2010-09-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

The guys are all gone for the weekend. Mark, Levi, and Seth left about two o'clock this afternoon headed for Woodward - about a four hour drive. They are doing sound for a festival, West Fest, tomorrow. They have to be set-up by ten o'clock in the morning, so, they will have to start by seven at the latest.

So, far I am enjoying my quiet time. I finished reading the book I've been working on, Saving CeeCee Honeycut. It is just a good, good story about the strength of women, mothering/nurturing/loving women. It is one I would recommend. I had Zoe for a while this afternoon until it was her nap time. Christi and the kids came over and ate supper with Emily and me. And, now Em and I are just hanging out watching Disney.

Tomorrow I plan on doing some house cleaning and then watching the OU football game in the afternoon.

I am sure that by Sunday afternoon I will be more than ready for the troops to come marching home.

2010-09-09T08:17:00.002-05:00

Tuesday night, about 11:00 - 11:30, I was walking to the house from the office after shutting down the computer for the night. As I stepped up onto the porch I noticed a faint glow way down in the field east of the house, about 300 yards away.

OH SHIT!

I stood at the base of the bedroom steps and called up to Mark who had just gone to bed.... "I think our field is on fire."

Seth was still up so we hopped in the golf cart and went to check.

Yep. there is a fire.

I went back to the house for water, yelled at Levi to come help and we all shoveled sand in the dark and in the rain for almost two hours. It looked to be under control (the fire was down in a ravine but trying to spread up the banks and into the field)so, we all came to the house, took showers, and the guys went to bed. This was at 1:30.

I was too nervous about the fire to sleep so I stayed up and read. I made four trips back down to the fire shoveling sand, by myself, trying to keep the fire away from a dead cedar at the edge of the ravine. The last trip by myself was at 3:30 and by then I was so tired I felt like my body was collapsing. I knew I was beyond what I could do alone, so, I woke Mark up and he went with me. I made a couple of water runs. By the second run, I was starting to get sick I was so tired. My body said NO MORE. I climbed the steps to Seth room, woke him up, and sent him with the water back to his Dad.

My heart was racing, fluttering and I was throwing up sick. I couldn't even manage a shower so I changed out of my wet clothes and lay down on the sofa. I was up and down all night dry heaving and generally feeling as if I might seriously die.

I heard Seth come in about daylight. Mark didn't come in for a couple of more hours and the fire still wasn't out, contained but not out.

We all slept until almost noon on Wednesday when Mark had to get ready to go out on a job.

One more trip to the fire to make sure it was burning safely revealed that NO it was NOT... it had flared back up and was threatening trees at the far end of the ravine.
He woke Seth up and they went back to fighting it, again.

Mark had to leave by two o'clock so he left it with Seth, Levi, and I. I was still so sick and weak I wasn't much help. We decided our only defense was to find enough water hoses to stretch almost 1000 feet. We gathered up all of ours, we went up and took all of my brothers, we called our neighbor and he brought hoses. Finally, we made it. The boys began hosing it down while I went home, took a shower and collapsed.

It had been drizzling rain the whole time we were working, but, the fire was up under a canopy of trees and not getting enough rain to put it out. As if on cue, the minute the boys felt like they had the fire completely out, it started pouring rain.

figures

We were all exhausted, dirty, sick from smelling the smoke and grateful this horrible experience was over.

I slept off and on the rest of the day and all thru the night, feeling somewhat better this morning but still feeling weak and tired.

Seths comment was "I never want to be a fireman."